March 30, 2006: Q & A

Q. This morning while riding the bus I realized that I had forgotten my Sudoku book and had no other reading materials with me; I noticed the man sitting next to me was reading “What Your CEO Wants You to Know” I glanced at it and read a few paragraphs. Then I stopped and wondered if this might be offensive, I rode the rest of the way looking out the window. Please Brutal Truth, give me your opinion on this.

A. Vanessa: Ahh – a question for the ages. No, it’s not wrong to shoulderdrop (or whatever the visual equivalent is to eavesdropping) for a few paragraphs. After all, you can do it on Amazon for free, and would’ve been a lot less annoying to the poor reader who had you perched with bated (and hopefully fresh) breath behind him subliminally willing him to turn the damn page. If you liked the book, (bo-ring), then I urge you to buy it or rent it from the library (yes they still exist). It is not an honorable option to sit in Barnes & Noble, sippin’ on your Shirley Temple, or whatever it is that you drink, reading the book in its near entirety but not purchasing.

A. April: Did the book make mention that your CEO wants you to know reading over someone’s shoulder is inappropriate? I know if someone were reading over my shoulder, I’d be totally creeped out (then again, I don’t like people even breathing on me). You were right to think this might be offensive….it’s an invasion of someone’s space, and totally nosy. Next time be sure to pack your own reading materials.

Q. There’s a guy I’m interested in getting to know better. The problem is, one of my good friends is infatuated with him. I don’t think she has a chance in hell with him, but she made her feelings known to me first and I know she would be hurt if she thought I was interested. I know this is an age-old dilemna. If I was in love with him, I know what I’d do, but this is more along the lines of low-level interest. What if I just want to mess around with him, but that’s all? I think my friend should get over it, but am I wrong to want to see what happens? Is he fair game?

A. Vanessa: Ooh I’ve got a story for this! It’s not exactly the same, b/c we weren’t friends, but close enough. In tenth grade this hooker girl, Julie Cyzinski, pulled me out of French class, (and by pulled me out I mean she walked in during the middle of class and told the teacher she needed to talk to me outside), to tell me she was going to kick my ass because Kevin I-don't-even-remember-his-last-name liked me and not her. Fortunately for me, right as she was *this close* to cleaning my clock, the vice principal came around the corner. He had overheard her threats (this is when eavesdropping is acceptable) and ushered her to the office. Staving off an otherwise certain death, I avoided her and Kevin like VO for the rest of the school year. They ended up dating and then I think broke up like senior year or something but by that time I had already retreated to Seattle. What was the question?

Oh yeah. So, two things here. 1. You're right -- unrequited affection doesn’t entail squatting rights. 2. You're right again -- your friend WILL BE pissed. So, if a potential booty call is worth what will likely cost you your friendship, then go for it. If this is your choice, then be completely forthright with your intentions. Hopefully your friend is less menacing than Julie Cyzinski was. That said, because you're not really that into him, I suggest dropping it until he has made it clear that he’s actually into you. Just because we can do certain things in life, doesn’t mean we should. And in this case, while you may have ethical license, it's still technically uncool, and smacks of just wanting to flex your attention-getting prowess.

A. April: This kind of seems like a no-brainer to me. If you already know that your friend would be hurt if she thought you were interested in this guy, ask yourself if he’s worth it to you. It seems like you’re kind of a bad friend if your low-level interest in this guy would trump a good friendship. If you decide to disrput your friendship for 20 minutes (at max) of “messing around”, be prepared to deal with the reprecussions. Your friends feelings wil be hurt regardless if you think she doesn’t stand a chance with him.

March 23, 2006: Q & A

Q. Vanessa, your SXSW observations seem steeped in jealousy. I was curious if you considered yourself a jealous person? April, your observations seem more about inconviences. I will submit these to SXSW suggestions.

A. April: Please do submit. Next year I refuse to be plagued by tall people crowding me.

A. Vanessa: Is this one of those comments-disguised-as-a-question? Okay I'll bite. Do I sometimes act w/ jealousy? Yes. Am I jealous person? No. But then I don't believe that a person is condemned by their thoughts.

However, Anonymous, you've given me enough pause to revise my rants. So here goes:

1. Badgies: Hell yes I want your badge. I really wanted your badge when I couldn't get in to Superchunk on Saturday night. I don't want your badge in Whole Foods/Magnolia/Jo's. Got it?

2. Skinny jeans: See, even the manufacturers think they're ugly. And, for the record, I'm not in the 3% of the population either. Happy now?

3. Double parking: Am I supposed to be jealous of double parkers?

Q. My wife is extremely hip and with-it. But I sometimes get tired of trying to keep up. There's so much self-involved stuff going on that I often feel lost. The latest craze or hip thing means nothing to me. It's not easy for me to simply like what I sincerely like and co-exist among her friends. Any suggestions?

A. April: No easy solution here. You're going to have to just suck it up and be 'not cool or hip' and be ok with that. If it means nothing to you, why agonize over it? There are much bigger issues out there besides the latest fashion craze or trendy crap.

A. Vanessa: I don't blame you for being tired of keeping up. So don't.

Q. SXSW? Why do I even try? I still miss the old days - when there was a quest to just seeking good music. That time has passed. Now there's no ability to slowly foster a relationship with a band. New Media is everywhere. Why are new bands releasing their third box set? All this output before they even polish their first song? I realize the mission is near impossible. How can a band create something mysteriously compelling in 2006? Not easy. On the fan side, I could do without everyone attaching their self-esteem or identity to the bands they brag about. What? You like the cute, buzzy, perfect band? And no one's heard of them yet? I'm so impressed. Mostly, I like music that lifts me. Sometimes a band lifts me, but their songs don't. Also, if the tunes depress me, that's fine to, but, they better be damn good. I definitely don't like bands that can characterize punk's amateurism and none of it's point or humor. And I'll take direct songs about divorces, lived lives, and adultery everybit as much the critically blessed obscure tones of the day. My Bloody Valentine was an exception, not a target. So, after SXSW, I feel like I'm the character in High Fidelity. A guy who has actually retarded his life with too much devotion to rock and roll. I'm an old guy trapped in a teenager's mindset. It's pretty pathetic, but, what else is there in Life? Let me know. See you next year, Fell O. Austinite.

A. April: Dear Fell O Austinite - this one is too deep for any kind of brutal honestly. Quite frankly, maybe you need another interest or hobby besides music if it makes you so depressed. Damn, you brought me down!

A. Vanessa: Dear Fell O. Austinite -- Dang you gots a lot of questions! Fortunately, I'm intrepid.
SXSW? Yes.
Why do I even try? I dunno? Ritalin?
Why are new bands releasing their third box set? All this output before they even polish their first song? Agreed -- lame. My inclination was to indict the recording industry b/c I share your irk, but the problem is not in the production, the problem is in the demand. Simply, if people didn't buy them they wouldn't produce them. My suggestion is to camp out in Walmart and administer electric shocks to the suckers who are purchasing these.
How can a band create something mysteriously compelling in 2006? Ask The Walkmen.
What? Huh?
You like the cute, buzzy, perfect band? Oh yes mama, yes.
And no one's heard of them yet? Ask the Walkmen.
It's pretty pathetic, but, what else is there in Life? We already answered this question, yo. Third question down. Phew! You wore me out. Nap time.

Q. I thought it rained too much. I blame God.

A. April: You are absolutely right to blame God. Everything bad that happens is his fault. You *might* want to throw Jesus into that mix as well. He's no innocent.

A. Vanessa: Who???

Dear Brutal Truth: SXSW Observations Edition

Dear Readers:
In honor of our favorite Austin tradition, SXSW, we've decided to post all the things that we hate about this otherwise great festival. (That and the fact that we haven't had any questions in WAY TOO LONG so write to us, please. We don't look pretty begging.)

Vanessa:
1. The Badgies -- Wearing your badge in Whole Foods / Magnolia / Jo's OR anywhere other than a music venue doesn't make you cool -- it makes you a tool.
2. Skinny jeans -- Pencil-legged pants look good on roughly 3% of the population. Odds are, you're not one of them.
3. Double parking -- Listen, you East Coast punks, this is not New York. If you're wondering why the locals are so over you, this is one of the reasons. (Editor's note: Irony duly noted that I'm now an East Coaster, but I can smugly state that I do not double park. Ever.)


April:
1. The Bars -- SXSW introduces you to places you never thought you'd be. Spiro's until 2 am?? You got it. And yes, it's as bad as the promo commercials make it out to be.

2. The moshers - is it really necessary to be a jerk and thrash around at the front of the stage when there's obviously no room for your freakazoid dancing??

3. Tall people -- this is mainly for our non-gigantor audience who will feel my pain. Why is it that I manage to squeeze my 4 foot nothing ass up to the front, only to be trumped by the tallest GUY in the joint? Because people suck.

March 6, 2006: Q & A

Dear DearBrutalTruth Readers: Sorry for the delay in responding. We'd be much faster if we were gettin' paid.

Q. I sincerely hope this doesn't fall into the juvenile/lame category, 'cause it's a serious question. These days, I'm running into lots of fellows who seem obviously (to me) gay or bi, except they have girlfriends/wives. I mean it's like a freakin' epidemic. I don't consider myself a homophobe at all, it's all cool with me (really) but I feel like I'm particpating in some silly charade in which everyone is pretending they're straight. It's like "I can hit on you and be suggestive and flirty with other dudes because I have a woman and that means I'm not gay/bi". These are cool people I want to remain friends with, but sometimes I think I'd be doing them and possibly their women a favor by letting them all know I see beyond the facade. Also, does this give me license to hit on their women (mostly as a way of establishing to them that I'm not gay)? Please advise.

A. Vanessa: No and no.

A. April: Being gay is cool with you? That’s great news for all those gay people out there – I’m sure they’ll rest better knowing at least one person in the world doesn’t care. But if this is really true – then the rest of your question is a waste of time. First of all, if these are cool people you want to reamin friends with, then you’ll get over your sluething trying to figure out if they are gay or straight. Does it freakin’ matter? Second of all, your question about having permission to hit on their women to establish you’re not gay is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. If you consider these people your friends, what makes you think hitting on their women is OK? And why the need to establish the fact that your not gay? This makes you sound like a complete homophobe moron. My suggestion to you is to get over this infatuation or find new friends

Q. I came across your site from a friend's email. It looks interesting. I'm a divorced older male. Through my lifetime, I've seen many things change. Things I didn't count on. I've been single for almost 5 years now. I think I see what you're going for here, but I'd like to add that MEN and WOMEN are entirely different creatures! My problem is I prefer younger women. They seem to match my energy level better. Unfortunately I'm not youthful enough in my appearance. What would suggest I do? Give up? Please don't recommend exercise.

A. Vanessa: Are you suggesting that we don't know men like men know men? And?
Anyways, you're in luck. Though we've written about this before, I can't expect you to remember every brilliant detail in our impressive volumes (3 blogs), so I'm going to answer it again. With a twist, just for you. First, define younger. If you're like 85 and they're 65 it's cool b/c no one expects you to be having sex anymore, which is all anyone thinks about when they consider the palatable-factor of a couple. Second, have you tried your local School for the Blind? Kidding, jeez.
I'm not going to tell you that's it's a little creepy (it is) or that you should change your interests (you should), rather I'm just going to give you the facts b/c that's what you're paying us for (you're not). Most younger women are not attracted to your average older man, and especially those that are only attracted to younger women. Why? Several reasons: you're not in the same peer group, so you're not privy to environments in which they typically develop an attraction to someone. Unless, Anonymous, you're Donald Trump or Michael Douglas, in which case, why are you writing?
Anywhoo, older men attracted to younger women can give off that needy / I've-still-got-it-don't-I?-vibe, which is totally unattractive. Self-esteem is everything, so if you're anything other than completely comfortable in your own skin, know that you're working a particularly unforgiving demographic.
So, the odds are stacked. That's all. This doesn't mean you should give up, but maybe in the time you're spending waiting to find that rare young woman who can get past the age difference, the lack of common interests, and whatever else might be going on, you could focus on what you're really attracted to, instead of hiding behind the pretty weak "energy level" excuse.

A. April: Please don’t recommend exercise??? So let me get this straight. You’re an older male without a youthful appearance who doesn’t like to exercise? I hate to say this, but if you’re not willing to put forth any effort, how exactly do you go about even snagging a younger woman? Aside from botox and plastic surgery, seems like some exercise, and maybe an update to your wardrobe (I’m stretching here) is your best bet. Unless you have a crap load of cash...then I suggest throwing it at women -- it might increase your odds.

Q: I'm a male who's losing hair. Since you're so honest, what level of priority should I place on trying to keep it, alter it, shape it? How do I approach this problem? Austin, Texas

A: April: How do you even begin to shape thinning hair? Sounds like a difficult chore. Listen, nobody likes to witness a comb-over or (worse yet) a baldie with a pony tail. Nothing ages a guy worse than that. My suggestion is to take the plunge and shave it all. So much more classic (and interesting) than trying to cover it up with the magic spray on hair.

A: Vanessa: Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you -- your club foot baldness *is* pretty sweet, so you're screwed what's the problem?
Okay, sorry. Here's the truth: If you want to disguise your thinning hair, I'd suggest Annie Cobb (she's at the salon next to Horseshoe Tavern on S. Lamar) or Naomi at Shag Salon on S. First. They've both addressed this gracefully on similar folk.
To tackle your question on priority: this is NOT pressing, brother. While it's true that as a general rule, many women (I'm assuming that's your audience) find a full head of hair more attractive than not, I have several friends and an ex-boyfriend who've carried this off, hotness firmly intact. (As a reminder, confidence trumps hair, too.) I don't even know what you look like but from the sounds of your email you're pretty cute, and so personally, I'd rank this behind Which-Shirt-Makes-My-Eyes-Look-Bluer?-This-One-Or-That-One? on the Worry Scale.

Yes, you ARE lame

Vanessa: ...I was hoping we could avoid this talk -- that our dear readers would know that *we mean business* without us having to crack down. Apparently we have some 3rd graders in our audience .
So - YES, we got your stupid questions about sheep and that your butt smells (James). And we're deleting them b/c if you want your 15 minutes of fame (that's right - getting posted on this site is tantamount to celebrity) you're going to have to get your own damn blog. It's free, loser, so sign up. That way you can start posting your own NOT FUNNY questions and enlist your own NOT FUNNY friends to read them.