Q. I sincerely hope this doesn't fall into the juvenile/lame category, 'cause it's a serious question. These days, I'm running into lots of fellows who seem obviously (to me) gay or bi, except they have girlfriends/wives. I mean it's like a freakin' epidemic. I don't consider myself a homophobe at all, it's all cool with me (really) but I feel like I'm particpating in some silly charade in which everyone is pretending they're straight. It's like "I can hit on you and be suggestive and flirty with other dudes because I have a woman and that means I'm not gay/bi". These are cool people I want to remain friends with, but sometimes I think I'd be doing them and possibly their women a favor by letting them all know I see beyond the facade. Also, does this give me license to hit on their women (mostly as a way of establishing to them that I'm not gay)? Please advise.
A. Vanessa: No and no.
A. April: Being gay is cool with you? That’s great news for all those gay people out there – I’m sure they’ll rest better knowing at least one person in the world doesn’t care. But if this is really true – then the rest of your question is a waste of time. First of all, if these are cool people you want to reamin friends with, then you’ll get over your sluething trying to figure out if they are gay or straight. Does it freakin’ matter? Second of all, your question about having permission to hit on their women to establish you’re not gay is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. If you consider these people your friends, what makes you think hitting on their women is OK? And why the need to establish the fact that your not gay? This makes you sound like a complete homophobe moron. My suggestion to you is to get over this infatuation or find new friends
Q. I came across your site from a friend's email. It looks interesting. I'm a divorced older male. Through my lifetime, I've seen many things change. Things I didn't count on. I've been single for almost 5 years now. I think I see what you're going for here, but I'd like to add that MEN and WOMEN are entirely different creatures! My problem is I prefer younger women. They seem to match my energy level better. Unfortunately I'm not youthful enough in my appearance. What would suggest I do? Give up? Please don't recommend exercise.
A. Vanessa: Are you suggesting that we don't know men like men know men? And?
Anyways, you're in luck. Though we've written about this before, I can't expect you to remember every brilliant detail in our impressive volumes (3 blogs), so I'm going to answer it again. With a twist, just for you. First, define younger. If you're like 85 and they're 65 it's cool b/c no one expects you to be having sex anymore, which is all anyone thinks about when they consider the palatable-factor of a couple. Second, have you tried your local School for the Blind? Kidding, jeez.
I'm not going to tell you that's it's a little creepy (it is) or that you should change your interests (you should), rather I'm just going to give you the facts b/c that's what you're paying us for (you're not). Most younger women are not attracted to your average older man, and especially those that are only attracted to younger women. Why? Several reasons: you're not in the same peer group, so you're not privy to environments in which they typically develop an attraction to someone. Unless, Anonymous, you're Donald Trump or Michael Douglas, in which case, why are you writing?
Anywhoo, older men attracted to younger women can give off that needy / I've-still-got-it-don't-I?-vibe, which is totally unattractive. Self-esteem is everything, so if you're anything other than completely comfortable in your own skin, know that you're working a particularly unforgiving demographic.
So, the odds are stacked. That's all. This doesn't mean you should give up, but maybe in the time you're spending waiting to find that rare young woman who can get past the age difference, the lack of common interests, and whatever else might be going on, you could focus on what you're really attracted to, instead of hiding behind the pretty weak "energy level" excuse.
A. April: Please don’t recommend exercise??? So let me get this straight. You’re an older male without a youthful appearance who doesn’t like to exercise? I hate to say this, but if you’re not willing to put forth any effort, how exactly do you go about even snagging a younger woman? Aside from botox and plastic surgery, seems like some exercise, and maybe an update to your wardrobe (I’m stretching here) is your best bet. Unless you have a crap load of cash...then I suggest throwing it at women -- it might increase your odds.
Q: I'm a male who's losing hair. Since you're so honest, what level of priority should I place on trying to keep it, alter it, shape it? How do I approach this problem? Austin, Texas
A: April: How do you even begin to shape thinning hair? Sounds like a difficult chore. Listen, nobody likes to witness a comb-over or (worse yet) a baldie with a pony tail. Nothing ages a guy worse than that. My suggestion is to take the plunge and shave it all. So much more classic (and interesting) than trying to cover it up with the magic spray on hair.
A: Vanessa: Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you -- your
Okay, sorry. Here's the truth: If you want to disguise your thinning hair, I'd suggest Annie Cobb (she's at the salon next to Horseshoe Tavern on S. Lamar) or Naomi at Shag Salon on S. First. They've both addressed this gracefully on similar folk.
To tackle your question on priority: this is NOT pressing, brother. While it's true that as a general rule, many women (I'm assuming that's your audience) find a full head of hair more attractive than not, I have several friends and an ex-boyfriend who've carried this off, hotness firmly intact. (As a reminder, confidence trumps hair, too.) I don't even know what you look like but from the sounds of your email you're pretty cute, and so personally, I'd rank this behind Which-Shirt-Makes-My-Eyes-Look-Bluer?-This-One-Or-That-One? on the Worry Scale.
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