Q & A: December 26, 2006

Q. Dear Brutal Truth-
My dear, sweet husband is a great guy: caring, supportive, engaged and engaging, etc. He’s also sensitive (in the bad way) and leans toward sketchy self-esteem, especially in the superficial/physical category, i.e., he doubts he’s da bomb, which in my opinion he is. Here’s the situation, in the past week or so during the steamy part of our love life he has developed an excess of saliva, as in, during a kiss there is just too much spit being exchanged. I am SO grossed out and find the quickest way to end such exchange of love. My initial response was to say, “Gee-awd, what is the matter with you? An enormous amount of gooey spit is drooling out of your mouth into mine. Swallow, will you!” Of course, if I were to point out anything that resembled a flaw he would be crushed and it would take hours upon hours for me to reassure him that he is the man of my dreams.This drool is a big ick factor to me, and honestly, if it’s not stopped soon, I know that nine years of consistent and good sex will be down the drain, and once the sex goes, the marriage will follow. For the sake of my four precious children, tell how I can subtly convey that this problem exists and needs to be fixed.
Signed,
In Love with the Kissing (a)Bandit
A. Vanessa: Holy shit. What an excellent question! First things first: if you want a "subtle" answer, go to Miss Manners. Now, on to the umm, juice. I'm sure in our vast readership there may be a physician out there who might attribute the excessive saliva to a medical condition. But, since I'm neither a doctor nor care what the cause is, here's how I'd put it: Dude, what's with the spit? No need to be rude or judgmental, but you do have to put it out there so he's aware. And lastly, because you know I wouldn't let this one slide -- you're not doing him (or for that matter, you) any favors by reassuring him for "hours upon hours." Every time you coddle, you reinforce the behavior. A) You cannot give him his self-esteem and B) It's arrogant to think you can. If you want it to stop you have to let him stay with feeling uncomfortable. Since the only way out is through you may have to sit on your people-pleasing hands as you watch him squirm, but do it anyway, because *that's* love, and the squirming will turn into growth.
P.S. Again, I'm not a doctor, but I seem to remember that excess saliva may be related to liver imbalance so he may want to check with his naturopath / physician for a liver cleanse, or a proper diagnosis. :-)

A. April: Dear Reader….has your husband changed anything in his before-bedtime diet?? I mean, I recall using milk and / or orange juice to thicken up the saliva for a fierce spit battle with my siblings. Maybe he’s doing the same thing? I don’t blame you for being grossed out – I myself gagged in my mouth when reading this question. Intimate matter are always difficult to approach, however, in situations such as this honesty is the best policy. You have no other choice unless you want to fake it for the rest of your life or wind up a divorcee. If your marriage has been strong enough to withstand four kids, surely this one gloppy obstacle can be overcome with a little tact. It may be painful (which, btw, why the low self-esteem? Maybe he should look into that), but those vows “for better or for worse” totally include embarrassing situations such as this. Good luck!