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Stuck in the middle

Q.  My best friend has some pretty serious issues with her marriage. Because I spend a lot of time with her and her husband (and their super cute children), I occasionally get put in the middle.

I have an example, but it’s kind of convoluted. Last week, I helped my friend out with babysitting while her husband was out of town. In return, I borrowed the car for a week. It seemed like a pretty fair trade to me.

Here’s where it gets hairy though: my friend and her husband are in the middle of a major squabble now because she doesn’t think he is grateful enough for how hard she has to work when he’s out of town. So in their weekly therapy session, she brought me up as an example and accused her husband of being uncool to me and never thanking me for helping them. She went even further and told him that my feelings were hurt and that I was upset.

Next, I got a text message from him apologizing for being an a-hole.

I don’t want to stab my best friend in the back, but I don’t like being dragged into their marital problems, didn’t think he was being an asshole (maybe to her, but not to me) and don’t even want the apology. Do I accept the apology and thank him? Do I tell him that he doesn’t need to apologize to me? Or do I get really brave and ask her not to bring me into the mix?

A. ACL:  Wow, sounds like your friend is using you to express her anger to her
husband. (Did I just go deep or what!?) I’m sure their therapist
figured that one out though. Don’t you just hate when friends (or
family members) put you in the middle of their issues? Can you say
AWKWARD??? Kinda like when you're in a room of friends and someone
farts, but nobody says they notice the fart (when they obviously do)
and eventually one of your friends says “ok, who farted?” and then
everyone stares back at that friend blankly. Um, or has that just
happened to me? Ooh, but let’s get back to your question. I think
you’ve got the answer already figured out here. In my little ‘ol
opinion you should tell the husband that he doesn’t need to apologize
and get ballsy and tell your friend not to drag you into their marital
problems.

A. VF:  It's weird they're in therapy -- they seem so functional.

Anyway, you don't owe your lady friend anything, much less a lie.   As for her husband, well, tell him the truth and if your friend has to deal with the clean up from that, that'll probably teach her not to speak for other people.    Stab, stab, stabby.

change of heart?

Glad to see you bitches back with the best medicine of all: honesty.  Ok, I've practically only been with women who have loved me more than I love them my entire life.  I've never been dumped...yet.  Generally, by the time I remotely pursue a woman, her interest is obvious, and it's usually just a matter of dotting the i's.  I've heard a bunch of stuff about what this may reveal about my psyche, and there may be some truth to it, such as that I'm insecure, afraid of love/commitment, yada, yada.  My question is the following however.  All my friends say that I need to be kicked to the side of the curb for once, yet they tell me how shitty that feels and seem to avoid it like the plague themselves.  Pretty much, everyone claims it feels better to love another more, but their actions don't seem to jibe.  So, is it really true?  Should I bother to change?

VF: Oh man.  Rejection sucks.  (As you probably know since you've skillfully managed to avoid it for all of your adult life.)  It's hard to endorse getting dumped because well, it blows.  So, rather than counseling you towards something I can't sell, instead, I'll give you this little metaphoric gem to think about. 

Have you ever gone gambling at an Indian reservation?  (Do they call them Native American reservations now?  Whatever.)  They have all the standard options -- blackjack, craps, poker, rigged slot machines, free well drinks, gambling addicts...  There's nothing wrong with a casino on a reservation.  You sure can have yourself a great time.  But put a little more effort into it and you get  Vegas.  Yep - same standard fare, same chain smokers, but oh, there's so much more!  Bright lights, waterfalls, contortionists, overrated bars, bigger pools, mafia... it just doesn't compare.  If you only go for chicks you're sure are into you, chances are those girls are like second rate casinos -- fine, sure, but why go for fine when you could be ballin'?  Then again, you could also lose all your money and wind up washing dishes in kitchen at Tao.  Loser. 

In the end, if you decide to go for the girls who really make you nervous, you'll have no guarantee of success.  It's risky business, this putting-yourself-out-there-stuff.  But if you don't?  Well, you're guaranteed to just kinda living this mediocre relationship bullshit.   Want more of that?

ACL: Seek out therapy. IMMEDIATELY.

El Questiono.

Q.  Dear DBT, I am sometimes shocked at myself when I am looking at an attractive woman and then I notice that a not-so-hot girl catches me looking and I then feel kinda silly about it. My question is - how much must it SUCK to be unattractive and NEVER have anyone look at you lustfully but have to see it all around you as you are irrelevant and ghostlike in a sea of attractive people.


  Hmm?  Hmm? 

A:  ACL:  Probably sucks as bad as reazling you're not as hilarious as you thought you were.
A.  VF:  I don't know.  Why don't you ask your mom?

Give it to me straight, with a tequila chaser

Look who's back on the scene. Oh Brutal Truth, how I've missed you and your badass ways. Ummm...speaking of badass, I need some advice.
Like everyone from soccer moms and stalkers to tweens and twinks, I have been sucked into Facebook. I update my status, talk smack to my friends and post unflattering pictures of frienemies. The problem is Facebook has been nothing but trouble for me. Specifically, I recently posted pictures of a party that I attended. This produced a number of hilarious comments from the other attendees. Everything seemed great until I got a nastigram from my brother. He was pissed that he was not invited to said party and felt "hurt" to learn about it via FB. He was also angry that a lot of the attendees, including the hosts, were his FB friends. His suggested solution is that I tell him about all of the parties going forward so he can make sure to come.
I feel awkward about this whole thing. I mean: can guests invite guests?
 

ACL:  No! Guests cannot invite guests! I think I see now why your bro wasn’t on the list originally. Ok, that’s harsh….but basically your hands were tied with this one. If it was your party and you didn’t invite him, that woud be one thing (I mean, that’s just rude). But in this case, you didn’t control the guest list, nor should you have invited other guests UNLESS the invite
specifically said “feel free to bring your freeloading friends or relatives”. I can see how your brother would feel hurt, but in this case, his anger is misdirected.  Tell him to take it up with the party-thrower and to leave you out of it. 

VF:  Uhhhh, well, is this really an etiquette question?  I mean, Miss Manners and her Victorian shag gots that turf covered.  Here's the thing -- unless your brother is 7, it's bullshit that he thinks it's your responsibility to invite him everywhere.  But then again, you said "his solution," which implies some sort of conversation went down between the two of you that might've gone something like this:

Him:  My feelings are hurt.

You:   [placating]  Well, I'm sorry -- what can I do about it?

Him:  You could invite me to the parties you go to.

You:  [wince]

If that's the case then what I really have to say is -- quit enabling.  It's not your responsibility to fix your brother's issues, nor can you.  I'd probably just leave him hanging next time he complains... you know, let him try that lovely bit of awkward on for size.  Eventually he'll get it.   (But it takes a really, really long time.  I hope you're patient.)

Sloppy Seconds

Dear Brutal Truth,

I'm recently single and I've noticed a trend in my ex moving in on my friends.  Now these aren't mutual friends, but "my" friends whom she met through me and wouldn't have met otherwise.  I've moved on, but live in a small community where people love to gossip, especially when it involves my ex hitting on "my" friends. My question is this, Should I be bummed on my friends if they end up fucking my ex?  I'd never date one of my friends ex's, nor would I fuck one of them.  I just feel that there are plenty other options out there and I'd rather avoid awkwardness.  Now maybe that's just me.  I don't give a shit what other people do, I have my own morals and don't judge others....well, I guess we all judge, but I don't really care what my ex does.  Okay, blah blah....now my question:

Would a friend be disrespectful to me if he fucked my ex?  Should I give two shits?  Why or why not??

Thanks!  

ACL: Oh c’mon now dude – if you didn’t give a shit about what other people do, would you really be posting a question asking if you should give two shits?? Let me break it down: you live in a small town where options are apparently limited. Your ex is just exercising her right to date – in your pool of friends. You gotta admit, this is definitely easier than meeting strangers online or through the swingers ads in the local paper, no?  In my personal opinion, it’s kinda gross to reheat a friends leftovers (I mean, they’re never quite as good as they were fresh are they??), and I’d be more than annoyed if a friend did this to me. So, if you decide to give two shits about this, then you should be ready to say something (at least in a passive-aggressive way) to your friends. Else, suck it up and be  secretly bitter behind their backs. The silver lining here is that sounds like it’s a good thing you dumped this chick – she’s a whore.

VF:  A) You've managed to spend the f*ck quota all in one question.  Nicely done.   B) I have no problem judging - that's why I'm here.  C) If your friends hook up with your skanky ex, they're d-bags.  (And now you know what I think of your ex.)

It sounds like she's trying - subconscious or otherwise - to prove something to you, to herself, to whomever, which is why she's dipping in the community pool.   Consider yourself lucky she's gone.  Oh, and your friends owe you more than your ex does.  I might understand if we're talking soulmate shit here, but we're not.  It's sex.  And if they're so desperate for it, there's lots of other perfectly acceptable options ... say, paying for it or hitting up a sorority. 

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