Q & A: Special Double Edition! And, the last one!

Well, faithful readers, it's time. Like skinny jeans, Frankenberry, and my roommate being out of town, all good things must come to an end. Dear Brutal Truth is no different. I'd like to think that it's because you -- our millions of readers (give or take 999,990) -- are ready to strike out on your own, take the training wheels off, leave the nest, stand on your own two feet, as it were. Remember this: If you catch yourself thinking "how do I *insert stressful confrontation* without being mean?" then you already know our answer. Vaya con Dios.

Q. What up Brutal Truf? Long time reader first time poster. How are you ladies doing? I am doing ok, I just made this bomb ass sandwich with cheese and turkey and well that’s about it, but I got one problem…I no longer have the desire to scarf down on this turkalicious delight. I’ve got a co-worker that sits directly to my left who thinks its fine to snort her snot all day long. This is some serious snorting too, not just a quiet sniffle! This girl is cranking some surrrious decibels from her nasal cavity. Its disgusting and to knock it up a notch she has decided to discard of all this snot she snorts by spitting it into a Styrofoam cup! WTF MATE??? How can I stop this madness without being rude? I’ve already confronted her in the past but the madness still continues! I’ve come up with one idea which is to record her snorting and then play it back to her. Maybe if she hears for herself that will stop her??? That’s about all I have at this point, You got any suggestions???

A. April: Hi Reader, There is nothing worse than making a bomb sandwich and having your dining experience totally ruined by a disgusting co-worker. Honestly, I think the time for being polite is long gone. After all, we’re talking about a girl who spits snot into a cup. Dis-gus-ting. My first thought is to take that cup, pour it on her seat while she’s away from her desk, grab a camera and wait for her to return. If you do take this route, be sure to wear gloves (for obvious reasons). I like your approach about the tape recorder….and since it’s taken so long for DBT to respond, maybe you’ve taken this approach. If so, please send us the wav file – we’d love to post it. Ok, in all seriousness, it may be time for you to take this to HR. This is not only an annoyance, but a health risk. If employees aren’t allowed to have space heaters because they are a fire risk, I’m thinking they shouldn’t be allowed to have snot on their desk either. Simple hygiene. OR, you could just start making your own snorting noises and battle it out that way. Good luck mate – let us know how that turns out.

A. Vanessa: Gross. And I'm not one to fight loogies with loogies but jesus, man, your options may be limited. This reminds me of the time at work I returned from lunch to find an anonymous you-talk-too-loud note left on my chair. I was pissed and of course I had my own list of grievances for my cubeland mates, but in my case at least, the note worked. Since you've already talked to her directly to no avail I recommend you escalate your tactics. Your own suggestion of recording her is a good approach, as is talking to HR, your manager, etc. and letting them know it's affecting your concentration at work. Whatever -- I think the key here is persistence.

Q. So I have this dear friend - love her to death - but lately she has been really self-absorbed. You know, I this, I that, I blah, blah, blah.Honestly, having a conversation with her is impossible because she doesn't even let me speak. What is your advise on bringing this to her attention?
Thanks for your advice in advance.

A. Vanessa: How about this? Next time you see her, let her start talking and then casually get up, and place a tree stump in your chair. (This will take a bit of planning.) See if she notices.

Or, another approach, and one that doesn't involve a chainsaw, is to take her out to lunch (if distance is an issue, then a phone call will do) and say to her: "Dude, I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise lately."

You see, the language that you use will be secondary to your intention behind the words. In fact, you can subsitute my eloquence for something that is more, I don't know, articulate? and it will matter little. What's important is this: you should wait to say your peace until you're doing it for you. Tell her only when you can say it because you're speaking your truth and not because you need or expect a change in behavior from her. When you're in that space, when it's about how you feel and not you wanting her to be any way other than the way she is right now, the words will be easy.

Don't get me wrong - she sounds like she's being annoying as hell. In fact I probably would've tried the passive-agressive-yet-surprisingly-effective-eye-rolls approach. But since you have no control over how others act, your only choice is to go inside first.

A. April: Out of all the questions we’ve received on DBT (and by that I mean thousands upon thousands minus a thousand or two) this is by far the most common question we receive. Got a friend, love her to death, but she (or he) sucks bad. Hmm, I see the dilemma. As I see it (and that is why you wrote in), you’ve only got one option here – suck it up and listen to your friend that you love so dearly. This is what being a friend is about. Being there through all those feel-good moments as well as being there when your friends are down, or in this case, self-absorbed and annoying. Hopefully this phase passes soon (I mean, has she always been self-absorbed?? And if so, why you friends with someone like that?). In the meantime, you could always cut back on your time spent together (in the way of screening calls like the plague). I know, avoidance is the easy way out, but it will save you from being rude and potentially damaging a friendship you appear to enjoy.

Q & A: October 23, 2007

Q. I married a man with two boys from a previous marriage. My mother told me to think seriously, but the boys were little and cute. How much trouble could they be?Truly, they are no trouble and are very smart. However, they have expensive higher education "ambitions". I quote ambitions because I wonder if they will ever graduate and pursue said lofty ambitions.One boy is in his fifth year of undergraduate college and has attended expensive abroad trips and summer school for the past four years AND HAS NEVER HAD A JOB!!!The other kid is at a fancy east coast school that is sucking nearly $50,000 a year. Early on, the husband and I talked about allocating $300,000 for the boys college costs. With projected costs, we are over budget by $17,000, not counting books and travel. AND, the husband has told them that he will pay for them to get Ph.D.'s if they want.I see no end to this luxury schooling and since neither child has ever had a job, my conclusion is that they are going to stay in school until the cows come home!We have two small children and are saving for their education. Sorta. They both have Texas Tomorrow Funds paid for. No Ivy League for them unless they earn it. Hook 'em Horns!It's not that I want my(our) children to have an expensive educations - I want them to work, apprentice, earn, appreciate. I've worked since I was 14 and know how rewarding it is to earn something.Anyway, it sickens me to spend this money, but I also feel like that because my husband makes most of the money that I don't have a right to complain. Clearly, the husband feels guilt about his divorce and cowers to confrontation. Like last week when one of the kids called to say they had been picked (yea) to go on a study trip to HAWAII,he said great. Cha-ching. That's $6,000 and it's not even a summer program. It's "fall break". Then, there is Spring Break, Summer Break (France already in the works.)Having never been to Hawaii myself, I am a little resentful. Honestly, we have a good marriage and usually talk it out, but the boys have always been a sticky situation.What to do?

A. April: Dear Reader: Sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious come to jesus meeting, and soon. While your husband may think he’s doing his sons a favor by continuing to fund their education and spring break trips (Hawaii?? wtf?!?), he’s quite blatantly showing favoritism and cheating his other children from a potential similar experience. I’m not even talking an ivy league education, but if I’m correct, the Texas Tomorrow Fund doesn’t allow for an out-of-state education (of course, as a Texas Alum, is there really any need?? ;-) ).

You absolutely have a right to voice your concern. A marriage, after all, is about partnership and sharing. Just because your husband makes most of the money doesn’t mean he gets to solely decide what to do with it. My recommendation is to discuss this with as little emotional attachment as possible. After all, this isn’t about the kids. It’s about your husbands inability to say no. Discuss the simple numbers around this (i.e. 17,000 over budget!) and try to work together to find some sort of compromise (sure son, you can get your PhD, but you’ll need to find alternate funding like oh say…one of the many grants that are out there!?).

Good luck – maybe after your heart-to-heart you can start saving for your own trip to Hawaii.

A. Vanessa: Hey there. Sorry - I woulda answered this question back in September when you posted it, but I just finished reading it. Anyway, here are the real problems, in order of magnitude (and trust me, the price of the education is just a convenient red herring): 1. Communication, you to husband. 2. Communication, husband to children.

So, talk to your husband. You too are "cower[ing] to confrontation" when you avoid discussions because you don't earn as much money. Think about that -- you don't feel like you're worthy BECAUSE OF MONEY. That's just retarded. The boys are only a "sticky" situation because you feel in a lower negotiating position than your husband. YOU know your husband isn't doing his kids any favors but until you decide to speak up, you're just as culpable. Every single time you hear that little voice in your head telling you that you don't have a right to talk about how you feel, know that it's bullshit. Quit worrying about right and wrong, and just start speaking up. While you're at it, start questioning where else in your life you let shame hold you back.

Q&A; May 25, 2007

Q. so i've been seeing this guy for about a month and am realizing that everything is really casual for him still, where i am becoming emotionally involved and increasingly more agitated as i see that he feels no sort of committment to call or write to me on any sort of regular or consistent basis. i take total responsibility for going into this without actually asking for the things i want and deserve, like respect, support and appreciation, and now i see that I'm getting exactly what i expected out of him, which is very little. i figure i'll get up the courage in the next day or two to call him and tell him that i'm not happy, that i don't feel respected, and that i need him to be more involved and interested or we need to just be friends and i need to move on. but beyond that, i guess my question, though, is where do i go from here? i see now very clearly from being involved with this person that i approach him the same way i've approached every relationship with every man in my life: with an attitude of, "you aren't possibly going to love me anyway, so i'll just force myself to be contented with whatever scraps of attention you throw my way." i want to say i won't do this anymore, but asking for something different, for something like a stable, supportive, loving relationship--something i've never had and i can only imagine exists--feels sort of like i'm asking for a miracle. i feel like i'm in that confused, empty space of having given up a way that's not working, but not having quite found a grasp of what could work better. could you offer any non-sugar-coated insight?




A. April: Ohhhh GIRLFRIEND! I don't even know where to begin with you! Let's start with the "poor-me" attitude you've threaded into your question. What is UP with the drama?? If asking for some respect in this world is like asking for a miracle to you, I think you need a serious (and I do mean SERIOUS) attitude adjustment. If you're looking for some quick fix to your problem, sorry sista, it ain't here. You need to find a way to pull yourself out of your funk and start showing yourself some respect before you can expect to receive it from anyone else (include a man!). While you're at it, empower yourself to make the changes and adjustments in your life so you exude confidence and self-worth. I'd put the guys on the backburner for now – sounds like you need to spend some quality "me" time working out some issues. I firmly believe that one needs to find happiness within. Without this, you'll constantly be looking for someone else to fill that void…and that just isn't going to happen. Good luck girl!



A. Vanessa: Okay, sweets... here I go... First, 'emotionally involved' implies that you are opening your heart, which you aren't, if your emotions are dependent on his responsiveness (or lack of). Second, "I deserve more/better" is really another way of saying "why am I not enough for him?" This isn't a question of being enough. It's just not a match. If it were, you wouldn't be racking your brain to figure it out or making him wrong.


Now, on to the big stuff. The reason this keeps happening is because you're looking for respect from the outside in, and well, it just doesn't work like that. Stable, loving relationships don't just happen to us, we cultivate them. And, if you think you can cultivate it w/ someone you're not a match w/ just because you'd rather not be alone, well, it doesn't work like that either.

Know that there's absolutely nothing to do and for godsakes quit blaming yourself. Just because you and some guy didn't work out doesn't mean there is something wrong w/ you (though, to be fair, there could be). Anyway, go in to the empty space - and instead of trying fix your way out of it, stay there, where it's uncomfortable. When you're tempted to repeat your old sob story again, go back to that uncomfortability again and again. This habit of blaming yourself is just avoidance wrapped in a nice and pretty package with the label Introspection slapped on it. You are NOT looking in. You know how you tell? Looking In doesn't have a story attached to it. Looking In is simply awareness without any labels of good, bad, right, wrong. So, sit w/ it. Eventually someone will come along and you won't have to worry that you'll mess that one up too.

Where do you go from here? Go ahead, make the call. Break up. But please, before you do, drop the drama. Seriously, it's way hotter to be like "hey this just isn't working for me" than to be all righteous and shit. The whole "I deserve more" line is so 1977 anyway. (And no, that doesn't make it retro-cool.)

Q & A: March 29, 2007

Q. I have a good friend who has recently given up alcohol, and is attending AA meetings though not disclosing that to many people. She seems to do fine in a bar setting by drinking other things. However, since my social life revolves around drinking I no longer invite her out as I feel bad that this might tempt her in some way or impede on her 12 step process. To complicate matters, since she is newly single another reason I find I don’t ask her along is because of her ridiculous flirting with everyone on the scene. She has to be the center of all male attention and it’s irritating. I love my friend and we have fun together and I often invite her to do things that are non-alcohol related (i.e. museums etc.) but I want her to feel included and spend more time with her but I can’t seem to get past these two issues. Any recommendations?
Thanks!

A. Vanessa: Any recommendations? Yes. Change your undies regularly. Seriously. What if you got in an accident w/ nappy drawers on? That'd be horrible. But on to your question.

Do you *really* want "her to feel included and spend more time with her?" Honestly?? Because if so, I gotta tell you, you're not exactly convincing. I get that her neediness (e.g. excessive flirting, alchoholism) is a turn-off. The good news is that you can be a better friend to her w/out ever stepping foot in a bar or chillin' at a party. The other news is that you gotta grow some balls. No one wants to be needy. Which is why if you really want to be a friend to her then you'll tell her that her flirting and stuff undermines the progress she's making(i.e. treatment for her drinking). When you do talk to her, and I hope you do, be clear, firm, AND kind. If this approach doesn't appeal to you, I'd suggest dropping out of the friendship until you're ready to be honest with her.

A. April: Dear Anonymous -- So, here’s my take on your “dilemma” -- the real issue appears to be that you find your friend annoying and needy. Is it really about not wanting to invite her out because she may be tempted to drink? Because that’s not something you can control. Your friend needs to know her own limits, and if that means avoiding a bar, then so be it. This really isn’t a complicated issue, and we receive questions like this all the time. “My friend is annoying…my friend is mean…my friend is a downer…” PEOPLE! Why do you stay friends with someone you can’t stand to be around? Listen, you can’t have everything. Either you chose to hang out with her on a limited basis i.e. when there is low opportunity for flirting, like err, at the library?) or you chose to end the friendship. Either way, it’s totally in your hands, so stop complaining and do what you need to do!

Q&A: March 11. 2007

Q: What do you do with a friend that engages in a destructive personality flaw right before your eyes? For example, I have a friend that isincredibly negative, pessimistic and paranoid - to the extent that she assigns the most ridiculous motives to people for the most innocuous behaviors, lashes out at the tiniest of PERCEIVED slights and refuses to accept that there really are nice people in the world.The 'flaw' makes its way around to friend and foe alike. It recently landed on me for the umpteenth time. This time I am very tempted to not overlook it but rather chalk it up to what it really is, a personality trait. It isn't a flaw that surfaces every now and then,it's the norm.I want to stay connected but I can't take the aggressive paranoia anymore? What to do?

Signed,
Exhausted in Austin

A. April: Sounds like there's not much reason to stick around in this friendship. Why waste your time with that much negativity? Unlike a great Hallmark special, I don't think this girl is going to see the light if friends (a.k.a you) ignore the behavior and treat it as acceptable. If you really feel this is a personality trait then girlfriend needs help and you need to walk away. Sound harsh? Maybe...but dang, I know I'd hate to be around that much paranoia and anger. Seems much healthier to let her know you're done and dump the b*tch. :-)

A. Vanessa: Is this one of those trick questions or somethin'? I'm not getting why exactly you want to "stay connected"? A rotting piece of cod sounds more innocuous. Seriously, take a look at that. Now, on to the uhhh... friend. The thing is, you could point out her narcissism, and that'd be the right thing to do, but it's likely she won't take it very well because, well, those pesky narcissists have a knack for turning things sour. Be a friend to her anyway and be honest. Be clear and take responsibility for your part of it (e.g. "Wench, when you make shit up, I feel angry..."). As for timing, I'd wait to speak your truth until you don't expect anything from her. This means that she could respond by ignoring you / hating you / telling everyone how you wounded her (sniffle), and you would still know that you did the right thing. Good luck w/ that.