Q. I have a good friend who has recently given up alcohol, and is attending AA meetings though not disclosing that to many people. She seems to do fine in a bar setting by drinking other things. However, since my social life revolves around drinking I no longer invite her out as I feel bad that this might tempt her in some way or impede on her 12 step process. To complicate matters, since she is newly single another reason I find I don’t ask her along is because of her ridiculous flirting with everyone on the scene. She has to be the center of all male attention and it’s irritating. I love my friend and we have fun together and I often invite her to do things that are non-alcohol related (i.e. museums etc.) but I want her to feel included and spend more time with her but I can’t seem to get past these two issues. Any recommendations?
Thanks!
A. Vanessa: Any recommendations? Yes. Change your undies regularly. Seriously. What if you got in an accident w/ nappy drawers on? That'd be horrible. But on to your question.
Do you *really* want "her to feel included and spend more time with her?" Honestly?? Because if so, I gotta tell you, you're not exactly convincing. I get that her neediness (e.g. excessive flirting, alchoholism) is a turn-off. The good news is that you can be a better friend to her w/out ever stepping foot in a bar or chillin' at a party. The other news is that you gotta grow some balls. No one wants to be needy. Which is why if you really want to be a friend to her then you'll tell her that her flirting and stuff undermines the progress she's making(i.e. treatment for her drinking). When you do talk to her, and I hope you do, be clear, firm, AND kind. If this approach doesn't appeal to you, I'd suggest dropping out of the friendship until you're ready to be honest with her.
A. April: Dear Anonymous -- So, here’s my take on your “dilemma” -- the real issue appears to be that you find your friend annoying and needy. Is it really about not wanting to invite her out because she may be tempted to drink? Because that’s not something you can control. Your friend needs to know her own limits, and if that means avoiding a bar, then so be it. This really isn’t a complicated issue, and we receive questions like this all the time. “My friend is annoying…my friend is mean…my friend is a downer…” PEOPLE! Why do you stay friends with someone you can’t stand to be around? Listen, you can’t have everything. Either you chose to hang out with her on a limited basis i.e. when there is low opportunity for flirting, like err, at the library?) or you chose to end the friendship. Either way, it’s totally in your hands, so stop complaining and do what you need to do!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment