Q&A: March 11. 2007

Q: What do you do with a friend that engages in a destructive personality flaw right before your eyes? For example, I have a friend that isincredibly negative, pessimistic and paranoid - to the extent that she assigns the most ridiculous motives to people for the most innocuous behaviors, lashes out at the tiniest of PERCEIVED slights and refuses to accept that there really are nice people in the world.The 'flaw' makes its way around to friend and foe alike. It recently landed on me for the umpteenth time. This time I am very tempted to not overlook it but rather chalk it up to what it really is, a personality trait. It isn't a flaw that surfaces every now and then,it's the norm.I want to stay connected but I can't take the aggressive paranoia anymore? What to do?

Signed,
Exhausted in Austin

A. April: Sounds like there's not much reason to stick around in this friendship. Why waste your time with that much negativity? Unlike a great Hallmark special, I don't think this girl is going to see the light if friends (a.k.a you) ignore the behavior and treat it as acceptable. If you really feel this is a personality trait then girlfriend needs help and you need to walk away. Sound harsh? Maybe...but dang, I know I'd hate to be around that much paranoia and anger. Seems much healthier to let her know you're done and dump the b*tch. :-)

A. Vanessa: Is this one of those trick questions or somethin'? I'm not getting why exactly you want to "stay connected"? A rotting piece of cod sounds more innocuous. Seriously, take a look at that. Now, on to the uhhh... friend. The thing is, you could point out her narcissism, and that'd be the right thing to do, but it's likely she won't take it very well because, well, those pesky narcissists have a knack for turning things sour. Be a friend to her anyway and be honest. Be clear and take responsibility for your part of it (e.g. "Wench, when you make shit up, I feel angry..."). As for timing, I'd wait to speak your truth until you don't expect anything from her. This means that she could respond by ignoring you / hating you / telling everyone how you wounded her (sniffle), and you would still know that you did the right thing. Good luck w/ that.