Q. What up Brutal Truf? Long time reader first time poster. How are you ladies doing? I am doing ok, I just made this bomb ass sandwich with cheese and turkey and well that’s about it, but I got one problem…I no longer have the desire to scarf down on this turkalicious delight. I’ve got a co-worker that sits directly to my left who thinks its fine to snort her snot all day long. This is some serious snorting too, not just a quiet sniffle! This girl is cranking some surrrious decibels from her nasal cavity. Its disgusting and to knock it up a notch she has decided to discard of all this snot she snorts by spitting it into a Styrofoam cup! WTF MATE??? How can I stop this madness without being rude? I’ve already confronted her in the past but the madness still continues! I’ve come up with one idea which is to record her snorting and then play it back to her. Maybe if she hears for herself that will stop her??? That’s about all I have at this point, You got any suggestions???
A. April: Hi Reader, There is nothing worse than making a bomb sandwich and having your dining experience totally ruined by a disgusting co-worker. Honestly, I think the time for being polite is long gone. After all, we’re talking about a girl who spits snot into a cup. Dis-gus-ting. My first thought is to take that cup, pour it on her seat while she’s away from her desk, grab a camera and wait for her to return. If you do take this route, be sure to wear gloves (for obvious reasons). I like your approach about the tape recorder….and since it’s taken so long for DBT to respond, maybe you’ve taken this approach. If so, please send us the wav file – we’d love to post it. Ok, in all seriousness, it may be time for you to take this to HR. This is not only an annoyance, but a health risk. If employees aren’t allowed to have space heaters because they are a fire risk, I’m thinking they shouldn’t be allowed to have snot on their desk either. Simple hygiene. OR, you could just start making your own snorting noises and battle it out that way. Good luck mate – let us know how that turns out.
A. Vanessa: Gross. And I'm not one to fight loogies with loogies but jesus, man, your options may be limited. This reminds me of the time at work I returned from lunch to find an anonymous you-talk-too-loud note left on my chair. I was pissed and of course I had my own list of grievances for my cubeland mates, but in my case at least, the note worked. Since you've already talked to her directly to no avail I recommend you escalate your tactics. Your own suggestion of recording her is a good approach, as is talking to HR, your manager, etc. and letting them know it's affecting your concentration at work. Whatever -- I think the key here is persistence.
Q. So I have this dear friend - love her to death - but lately she has been really self-absorbed. You know, I this, I that, I blah, blah, blah.Honestly, having a conversation with her is impossible because she doesn't even let me speak. What is your advise on bringing this to her attention?
Thanks for your advice in advance.
A. Vanessa: How about this? Next time you see her, let her start talking and then casually get up, and place a tree stump in your chair. (This will take a bit of planning.) See if she notices.
Or, another approach, and one that doesn't involve a chainsaw, is to take her out to lunch (if distance is an issue, then a phone call will do) and say to her: "Dude, I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise lately."
You see, the language that you use will be secondary to your intention behind the words. In fact, you can subsitute my eloquence for something that is more, I don't know, articulate? and it will matter little. What's important is this: you should wait to say your peace until you're doing it for you. Tell her only when you can say it because you're speaking your truth and not because you need or expect a change in behavior from her. When you're in that space, when it's about how you feel and not you wanting her to be any way other than the way she is right now, the words will be easy.
Don't get me wrong - she sounds like she's being annoying as hell. In fact I probably would've tried the passive-agressive-yet-surprisingly-effective-eye-rolls approach. But since you have no control over how others act, your only choice is to go inside first.
A. April: Out of all the questions we’ve received on DBT (and by that I mean thousands upon thousands minus a thousand or two) this is by far the most common question we receive. Got a friend, love her to death, but she (or he) sucks bad. Hmm, I see the dilemma. As I see it (and that is why you wrote in), you’ve only got one option here – suck it up and listen to your friend that you love so dearly. This is what being a friend is about. Being there through all those feel-good moments as well as being there when your friends are down, or in this case, self-absorbed and annoying. Hopefully this phase passes soon (I mean, has she always been self-absorbed?? And if so, why you friends with someone like that?). In the meantime, you could always cut back on your time spent together (in the way of screening calls like the plague). I know, avoidance is the easy way out, but it will save you from being rude and potentially damaging a friendship you appear to enjoy.
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