April 11, 2006: Q & A

Q. I once believed, through watching old girlfriends go through this kind of thing, that if a man EVER, EVER hit me, I would drop him right then and there. No questions, no second chance, no nothing, just gone. Well, the other night my boyfriend and I had LONG verbal fight (both tired and drunk and frustrated by life and no money, etc, etc, blah blah blah...). It was that kind of night, like an evil Energizer Bunny, the fight just kept going, and going, and going.... Well, it stopped when he slapped me in the face. I don't remember what I said right before that moment, and neither does he, but that was his reaction. I told him to get the bleep out of my house. He did, I called people, he walked around for 2 hours, and then he slept on the back porch. (this happened at 2 a.m.) This happened Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, so is all still fresh. We talked Wednesday, I am the first person he's hit, he is the first person to hit me. We are both shocked, but fact remains, it happened..... Question, since we are working on the relationship, the communication problems that fueled this fight, etc, do I forgive one slap? Or am I fooling myself because I love him and am destined to become one of those women, you know the ones, "I pushed him to it, I knew better than to push him", whatever. Should EVERYONE leave after one hit, or is this merely an incident, that may never turn into a pattern? (I did tell him that if it ever happen again, we'd be over. This is the ONE mistake he gets).
A. Vanessa: Hi. I can't tell you whether or not he will hit you again, but issuing an ultimatum doesn't solve the problem, it only disguises the symptom. And, his slapping you is only part of the problem. Let's pretend that he did hit you again, and you did leave him. Problem solved, right?! Nein! You see, even if he goes on to be someone else's problem, it's likely that you could manifest something similar in the future. It may not be physical, but it could be equally as harmful. (Note: I am in no way condoning or implying that you caused his reaction; he is entirely responsible for his own actions.)
Einstein said something along the lines of "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Who knew he was an expert on physics AND relationships?! His point being, something has to change. Abstaining from behavioral patterns (e.g. I'll never hit her again; I'll never yell at him again) is not changing the sum of the equation, it's simply another way of disguising its parts. (This is similar to people who quit drinking only to take up smoking or over-eating.) I think it's wise that you're taking some responsibility here, b/c the only thing you have control over is yourself. You can choose to leave him now, or later, but unless you're in imminent danger, (which you don't indicate), much more urgent is taking a good look at your own actions, your own control issues, your own fears. The relationship is only a manifestation of its two parts, so each of you must do the work on yourself first before you can expect the way you act with someone else to change. If you're going to find a therapist to help you with this, then I would do the work to find someone who will hold you accountable - it's not a trait I've found readily in my copious time w/ therapists. Also, a good book on relationships is Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel-Ruiz.
Lastly, if you choose to stay with your boyfriend, then you are choosing to forgive him. If you are choosing to forgive him, there must be no residual feelings of superiority as it will only prevent growth.

April: Stephanie – as an outsider looking in, my first reaction is to say end the relationship. Any person who finds hitting their partner as an acceptable form of anger isn’t someone I’d like to be around. Being drunk and tired isn’t an excuse either. Thoughts would linger in my mind, “is he going to hit if another heated arugment arises?” Although he’s never done this before, the fact remains that what’s done is done, and it’s simply not acceptable. It may not turn into a pattern, but do you really want to stick around to find out?