Q. What should I do when I am no into someone anymore? I was never that into the person in the first place, but the relationship grew more and more comfortable. I have an itch to get out. Should I wait longer to see if the fire comes back, or should I heed the nagging feeling and move on?
A. April: Honey, I don’t think you need two brutal bee-otches to dish out advice on this one. Sounds like you know what you need to do…I think you may just be looking for permission. If you were never into this person, and you’re still not, you need to move on. It’s not fair to either of you to stay in this relationship simply because you’re comfortable.
Vanessa: Wait for *what* fire to come back? You said you were “never that into the person in the first place”. It’s not coming back because it was never there. Do yourself and your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever a favor and move on.
Q. Alright, here's my predicament. My brother is getting married to a woman I'm not particularly fond of. Whatever, his choice. She has made it very clear that I will not be a bridesmaid, which I'm TOTALLY good with. However, my brother feels obligated to have me be a part of their wedding, since he was a part of mine. He has hinted to me that he wants me to be in charge of the guest book (ugh). While I admit I should be honored by the gesture, I'd be more honored if they let me sit back and not play a part in the wedding, and just enjoy the evening. I sound selfish, I know, but...guest book? Isn't that for like 2nd cousins or something? Do you even need a guest book attendant? The guy is 36 years old. Most of the guests will know to sign the book if one is out. So, give me the brutal truth. If they ask me to do this, can I tactfully bow out without a)coming across as majorly bitchy and snobby, and b)relaying that the thought is really nice but no thanks. Or do I suck it up for the one hour of my life and do it because it's his wedding? Do tell...
A. April: First of all, are you sure you’re TOTALLY good with not being asked to be a bridesmaid in this wedding? Because I can hear the whining in your message. No matter…the real issue here is whether or not to suck it up for your brother or tactfully reject the lame guest book assignment. While I do not agree that you should be ‘honored’ by your brother’s half-hearted attempt to include you in his wedding, I do think this is about his wedding day and not at all about you. At the end of the day, this weak ass assignment will take an hour out of your life…and isn’t it easier to just suck it up and do it? Be nice – he’s your brother.
Vanessa: Well, at some point you’ve probably already come across as bitchy and snobby to the bride-to-be, else you’d be a bridesmaid. But that’s not what you’re asking. If you don’t want to be in the wedding, don’t be in the wedding. You’re not doing anyone any favors by accepting something begrudgingly – people can smell “sucking it up” a mile away. That said, by graciously declining, (note the qualifier there), you’ll likely piss off your mom, your brother, your future sister-in-law, and all of her friends, so be prepared. Now, about the proposed role: it sounds like your ego is bruised (would you be equally as ill-inclined to accept if you had a remarkable affinity for guest books, or you were indeed a 2nd cousin?). Examine that. When the ego strikes, as it has here, I find it good practice to do the opposite of what the ego is counseling. Otherwise you’ll continue to feel justified when people find you bitchy and snobby and people will keep finding you bitchy and snobby. (Thank you, I think played out that phrase sufficiently.) Oh, and yes, having a guest book attendant IS retarded.
Q. I would like to know the meaning of life.
A. Vanessa: Bring your A game yo.
A. April: Who wouldn't!??!
Q. Here's my question. What do women want? Is it men with a) size b) looks c) money d) sense of humor e) what is it? Because I no longer have-a-clue. I'm 45. Divorced. And back on the dating scene. What do you do when just being yourself isn't cutting it? 44 year old male. Sacramento, CA.
A. Vanessa: Here’s my answer. Who-the-scratch cares what women want? Most of them are so busy looking for someone else to define them, to make them into something they don’t understand they already are, that you can’t use others as a gauge for your own worthiness. I know you want love, but you have to be willing to keep being yourself regardless of the temporary price – and yes, this is temporary. You know what’s attractive? Someone who OWNS their flaws. Self-esteem is like the hottest thing out there. You can blame being alone on all the tangible things, but you’d be lying to yourself. Truth is, self-esteem trumps all that shite, hands down. Confidence is NOT arrogance, though. Confidence is being beyond the good opinions of others. When you get really honest w/ yourself, and stop hiding behind thinking that it’s the other sex’s fault that you’re not in a relationship, when you accept yourself -- flaws and all, money / no money, looks / no looks, size or ahem, otherwise – they’ll be beatin’ down your door. Btw, here’s a good book: Mastery of Love. And no, it’s not S&M.
A. April: In a word, women want their man to be confident. There is nothing more attractive than someone who knows who they are and can own themself. Please note, this does NOT mean cocky, arrogant, or self-absorbed. This means being comfortable with who you are so that you don't have to go around asking what it is other people want, but rather, can communicate what it is that YOU want.
Q. When is it appropriate to tell your lover they're bad in bed? And how do I do I go about it?
A. Vanessa: Umm, when there’s no time like the present??? Logistically speaking, it’s best said when it can be understood in context (read: avoid broaching this while in an argument or courtside at the NCAA Championship game). You go about it by stating unabashedly what you want done, sparing no detail, however awkward it may be at first. Fortunately being a bad lover is neither terminal nor incurable. And, unlike cancer, it’s also subjective. He/she/confused might be just fine by someone else’s standard, which is why the only thing you can do is speak up for what you want and what pleases you. If your partner’s feelings are hurt, or if they’re embarrassed, well have patience, be kind, AND, know that you’re not responsible for another’s insecurities. The last clause is key b/c you want to avoid back-pedaling just because things might get sticky (no pun intended). State clearly and compassionately what you want and then stand by it; anything else is a disservice.
A. April: I think in a situation like this, timing and presentation are everything. Rather than having the dreaded "can we talk" kind of conversation, this calls for something slightly more creative. Why not show your partner how he/she can become a better lover? It will take some crafty communication skills (and some brutal honesty of your own), but you should feel free to express what it is exactly that you like. The great part about this is that the more you practice, the better (and more comfortable) the both of you will be together.
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We have a front receptionist at work who has rank breath. She just...smells. And you know what she smells like? Her breath smells like she's just gone down on some chick. She doesn't have B.O., she's got V.O. And in the worst way. She's a really close talker and she's all up in your face with her stinky halitosis. The worst part is, she's the first person our clients see/smell when they come in the office. Everyone at work is trying to figure out how to politely tell her without hurting her feelings. Any suggestions? P.S. The woman is 70 and lives with her mom, so I don't think she's gettin' busy with anyone. Oh, and she won't chew gum because of her dentures. I swear to God this is legit.
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