Q. I have a good friend who has recently given up alcohol, and is attending AA meetings though not disclosing that to many people. She seems to do fine in a bar setting by drinking other things. However, since my social life revolves around drinking I no longer invite her out as I feel bad that this might tempt her in some way or impede on her 12 step process. To complicate matters, since she is newly single another reason I find I don’t ask her along is because of her ridiculous flirting with everyone on the scene. She has to be the center of all male attention and it’s irritating. I love my friend and we have fun together and I often invite her to do things that are non-alcohol related (i.e. museums etc.) but I want her to feel included and spend more time with her but I can’t seem to get past these two issues. Any recommendations?
Thanks!
A. Vanessa: Any recommendations? Yes. Change your undies regularly. Seriously. What if you got in an accident w/ nappy drawers on? That'd be horrible. But on to your question.
Do you *really* want "her to feel included and spend more time with her?" Honestly?? Because if so, I gotta tell you, you're not exactly convincing. I get that her neediness (e.g. excessive flirting, alchoholism) is a turn-off. The good news is that you can be a better friend to her w/out ever stepping foot in a bar or chillin' at a party. The other news is that you gotta grow some balls. No one wants to be needy. Which is why if you really want to be a friend to her then you'll tell her that her flirting and stuff undermines the progress she's making(i.e. treatment for her drinking). When you do talk to her, and I hope you do, be clear, firm, AND kind. If this approach doesn't appeal to you, I'd suggest dropping out of the friendship until you're ready to be honest with her.
A. April: Dear Anonymous -- So, here’s my take on your “dilemma” -- the real issue appears to be that you find your friend annoying and needy. Is it really about not wanting to invite her out because she may be tempted to drink? Because that’s not something you can control. Your friend needs to know her own limits, and if that means avoiding a bar, then so be it. This really isn’t a complicated issue, and we receive questions like this all the time. “My friend is annoying…my friend is mean…my friend is a downer…” PEOPLE! Why do you stay friends with someone you can’t stand to be around? Listen, you can’t have everything. Either you chose to hang out with her on a limited basis i.e. when there is low opportunity for flirting, like err, at the library?) or you chose to end the friendship. Either way, it’s totally in your hands, so stop complaining and do what you need to do!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Q&A: March 11. 2007
Q: What do you do with a friend that engages in a destructive personality flaw right before your eyes? For example, I have a friend that isincredibly negative, pessimistic and paranoid - to the extent that she assigns the most ridiculous motives to people for the most innocuous behaviors, lashes out at the tiniest of PERCEIVED slights and refuses to accept that there really are nice people in the world.The 'flaw' makes its way around to friend and foe alike. It recently landed on me for the umpteenth time. This time I am very tempted to not overlook it but rather chalk it up to what it really is, a personality trait. It isn't a flaw that surfaces every now and then,it's the norm.I want to stay connected but I can't take the aggressive paranoia anymore? What to do?
Signed,
Exhausted in Austin
A. April: Sounds like there's not much reason to stick around in this friendship. Why waste your time with that much negativity? Unlike a great Hallmark special, I don't think this girl is going to see the light if friends (a.k.a you) ignore the behavior and treat it as acceptable. If you really feel this is a personality trait then girlfriend needs help and you need to walk away. Sound harsh? Maybe...but dang, I know I'd hate to be around that much paranoia and anger. Seems much healthier to let her know you're done and dump the b*tch. :-)
A. Vanessa: Is this one of those trick questions or somethin'? I'm not getting why exactly you want to "stay connected"? A rotting piece of cod sounds more innocuous. Seriously, take a look at that. Now, on to the uhhh... friend. The thing is, you could point out her narcissism, and that'd be the right thing to do, but it's likely she won't take it very well because, well, those pesky narcissists have a knack for turning things sour. Be a friend to her anyway and be honest. Be clear and take responsibility for your part of it (e.g. "Wench, when you make shit up, I feel angry..."). As for timing, I'd wait to speak your truth until you don't expect anything from her. This means that she could respond by ignoring you / hating you / telling everyone how you wounded her (sniffle), and you would still know that you did the right thing. Good luck w/ that.
Signed,
Exhausted in Austin
A. April: Sounds like there's not much reason to stick around in this friendship. Why waste your time with that much negativity? Unlike a great Hallmark special, I don't think this girl is going to see the light if friends (a.k.a you) ignore the behavior and treat it as acceptable. If you really feel this is a personality trait then girlfriend needs help and you need to walk away. Sound harsh? Maybe...but dang, I know I'd hate to be around that much paranoia and anger. Seems much healthier to let her know you're done and dump the b*tch. :-)
A. Vanessa: Is this one of those trick questions or somethin'? I'm not getting why exactly you want to "stay connected"? A rotting piece of cod sounds more innocuous. Seriously, take a look at that. Now, on to the uhhh... friend. The thing is, you could point out her narcissism, and that'd be the right thing to do, but it's likely she won't take it very well because, well, those pesky narcissists have a knack for turning things sour. Be a friend to her anyway and be honest. Be clear and take responsibility for your part of it (e.g. "Wench, when you make shit up, I feel angry..."). As for timing, I'd wait to speak your truth until you don't expect anything from her. This means that she could respond by ignoring you / hating you / telling everyone how you wounded her (sniffle), and you would still know that you did the right thing. Good luck w/ that.
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