May 11, 2006: Q&A

Oh boy, do we have a treat for you! This week marks the introduction of a Guest Columnist into our humble mix. He comes to us with an advanced degree in Psychology from Harvard, decades of coaching inner-city youth, and the international talk circuit where he has counseled hordes of CEOs towards personal and professional growth. Actually, he's done none of those things. He does bake some great bread, though. Welcome, Terry! Sucker...

Q. This is heavy, but when someone you know very well (an older sibling) and love very much is going through a time of total chaos in her life, what is the best way to respond and also keep your own sanity? I’ve tried lots of things, but because we live across the country from each other, most of our interaction is by phone, and those conversations are becoming more hysterical each time we talk. I can’t go into all her issues, but she’s very unhappy with her life, has 2 small children, and feels constantly victimized by everything from her childhood to her marriage. The issues are serious; our entire extended family is worried about her and her children’s health. No matter what we do, she just wants to lash out at us. I feel guilty because, though my life is not without problems, I am in a good place in my life, though I am careful to never compete with her in any way. I can’t help but feel part of her anger has to do with a sibling rivalry i.e. “our parents love you more”, “you’ve got it so easy in life”, etc. Can you tell me how to show her love and support but not get completely stressed out by her animosity towards me and the rest of my family? I understand you’re not providing clinical help for her issues, but I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to deal with the situation.

A. Terry: Dear “Little Sis,” I think the best way to show your sibling love and support, is to stay the course, showing her love and support. You have got to counteract her overall craziness with a more objective approach, listening to her rants does not mean internalizing and owning them. They are her issues, not yours, or her kid’s, or her husband’s (bless his heart). The minute you [and your family] try to take on her problems in order to “solve” them, you’re doomed. And this guilt thing, please lord, stop with the guilt. What is it that you have done? ‘Guilt’ is synonymous with everything ‘family’ these days…..everyone feels guilty about everything and everyone. If you are guilty of something, I urge you to go down to the local authorities and turn yourself in at once. Seriously though, beating yourself up by thinking that you are doing an inadequate job of supporting your sister when you live across the country is a recipe for disaster. You might as well try to make chocolate chip cookies and only buy ingredients for meatloaf and see how well you succeed. Without knowing the full extent of her issues, and assuming that she has not tried the good, old fashioned, as-American-as-apple-pie route of clinical psychology with an daily anti-depressant chaser, it is quite hard to determine how big sis’ will find closure here. For you though, my advice is to be in charge of your own emotions and stop owning your sister’s. Let’s step back for a brief moment and take a look at things as they really are. You and your sister may have had a sibling rivalry, your parents may have treated you more favorably and you just may have had the good fortune to have had a smoother path through life, but none of that is your fault nor is it something you need to feel bad about every time you speak to your sister! As painful as it may be to see someone you love go through hardships in their own life, in the end, that is what it is, their own life. Her problem may or may not work itself out, but don’t get dragged down with it or you’ll be no use to her when she comes to understand how supportive you’ve been and reaches out to you.
A. Vanessa: The thing about family, is that often our b.s. threshold is whack. We take on things from our siblings, parents, second cousins, etc. that we would never assume if not for birth relations. And in this case, it's your tolerance for your sister's drama. You're not doing her any favors by a) feeling guilty and b) accepting it. In fact, both are enabling. If you really want to help her, you'll do so by reinforcing the fact that in her life, those things which she has had control over (e.g. kids, geography, marriage, etc.) she has had control over. It's incredibly empowering to realize that we are not victims, and our lot is largely the sum of our choices and our own perception. (It seems you've already recognized this.) As my favorite yoga teacher says -- "the difference between a flower and a weed is judgment". I haven't confirmed the genetic veracity of this -- and if you're a botanist and know differently keep it to yourself, thank you, because the point I'm making (and yes, I'm getting there slowly) is this: the belief we hold about our own experiences is a matter of opinion.
You don't need to preach -- your actions and being clear about this in your own life will set the example. With your sister, be an active listener, and be empathetic, but avoid "helping" in any way other than that. She has to learn that she's very capable of changing her life. "Saving" her (even if this is just by commiserating)is reinforcing her own misguided belief that she is not truly capable. 

April 25, 2006: Q & A

Q: My across the street neighbors have a daughter who is approximately three, and whose grandmother enjoys taking on walking adventures into my yard. (grandma = an active 50-ish woman) My schedule has recently become more flexible--and with the luxury of new, daytime hours spent (working) at home, I've "discovered" these walking trips. My first week at home, I asked the woman why she was in my yard (although it faces the front of my house, due to its odd orientation, its actually a very large backyard). I am a renter, not an owner, but it was weird. She explained that her granddaughter liked to wander over (across a street, oddly enough)((would you let a toddler cross any street on her own?)), and she bassically trailed behind, acting as lifegaurd and damage prevention. I thought it was a one time occassion.

Both of our homes are about two blocks from a large, safe, kid-friendly city park, and judging by the number of vehicles parked in front of their home, grandma drives to visit her granddaughter, and is probably capable of driving her granddaughter two blocks to the park, if the two blocks is too far for her just-learning-to-walk-legs to travel at this point.

My house is oriented in a manner that enables me to dance around naked in the middle of the day, sunshine streaming in, without streetside witnesses. I think that this is what irks me about the family outings in my yard. I feel restrained in my daytime home environment, worried that they make take an outing into my yard when I'm in the middle of dancing about to Metric. Or who knows. Am I the neighborhood witch for asking the fam to take their nature outings in their own yard, or to the park, even if I may not be home, utilizing my yard all of the time? The girl is adorable and the grandma is nice, but it makes me uncomfortable to have strangers in my yard. Is this too selfish?

A. Vanessa: Ahem, I don't suppose you've seen the underground must-read, Handguide for Remote Work? The first chapter is titled Don't Blow our Cover, B!tch: Upholding the Appearance of Work. Do all of us remote workers a favor and read it, *please*. You'll learn helpful hints like "NEVER admit to dancing around naked when you're on the clock" (Tip #75) and "Mute porn during conference calls" (Tip #143). Note: To my co-workers/boss who might be reading this -- I am always at my desk, fully clothed, all day long. I swear. Mostly.
So, your question -- it sounds really like you want a way to ask your neighbors to stay out of your yard without hurting their feelings. It's impossible to know what will or won't hurt someone's feelings, which is why your obligation is only to be polite and kind. Let Grandma know what it is that you want -- perhaps something along the lines of: I would prefer it if you didn't play in my yard when I'm inside/at home/always/fill-in-the-blank? Afterwards continue to be friendly and a good neighbor not because you're apologetic, but because you're truly friendly and a good neighbor.

April: So this loooong story is all to request permission to dance around your house naked? Let me ask you this - if you were dancing in your living room naked and someone on the street saw you, would you ask that they not walk down your street? The short answer to your question about being the neighborhood witch is yes, you are. You're that person who takes the water hose to the kids riding their bike on your driveway. I suggest you close your blinds when you want to dance around like a free spirit in your birthday suit……..don't damage the poor child's (or grandma's) retinas by shaking your bare bum in front of open windows! Trust me, they don't want to see it.

April 19, 2006: Q & A

Q. There is a person that knows she has an advanced yoga practice and continues to take classes where the majority is beginners. She sits front row and there appears to be lots of ego in her postures. I know there is no perfect posture, but it is driving me crazy. This is another reason I do not like the mirrors. I sometimes make the class face the back wall. I am not sure how to speak to this. I always speak to the majority of the class. It's almost as if she is showing off to the beginners and it is very intimidating To them. Just not sure how to approach this person, as far as feedback is concerned. This is a person who I am not sure will ever drop competition and ego-driven success.
A. Vanessa: Sure I could give you advice on how to needle the know-it-all in class (teach breath, long holds, slowing it way-the-f-down) but that might seem like I'm putting the onus on her. And I'm not. It's not about the experience the beginners are having either. (Fortunately, the most important thing you have to worry about with beginners is that they're in healthy poses.) So what's this really about? Drum roll... you. First, trust me, you do NOT want to be caught up in the hell that is creating the perfect environment. People-pleasing is always a losing proposition. Not only is it impossible to please everyone, but people's needs change and are subject to their own lives that you are probably not aware of when they walk into your class. It's exhausting and *will* wear you out. More importantly, it's inauthentic. You're trying to be, or in this case, create, what you think people need instead of simply teaching. Taking care of your own needs is more meaningful and will have a much greater impact. Second, it's likely that Ms.Pain-in-the-Asana isn't hearing you and this has nothing to do with pitch, volume, etc. I believe that you're speaking to her from the same place she's attacking herself from -- judgment. Does she need more? I doubt it. My guess is that you can't judge her any harsher than she already judges herself. You really want her to hear you? Speak to her with compassion; a compassion that isn't even communicated with words.

April: Here's my brutal truth for this one. Is this person paying for the class? If yes - I suggest you leave her be. If this makes others in the class uncomfortable, I hate to say it, but they need to get over it. As my dear 'ol Dad used to say when I'd get whiny about what my brother and sister were (or were not) doing, "you need to worry about yourself insted of everyone else around you." Harsh, but true advice.

April 17, 2006: Q & A

Q: so....i go on a mini-vacation with my friend. said friend and I used to hook up, with no emotional relationship.....and now we are friends with no hooking up - just happened that way. on my amazing vacation i meet a most amazing man. honestly, sun and sand notwithstanding, I have really been waiting thirty five years to feel such a connection. I was feeling ?respect? for the used to be status of my travelling friend, so I did hook up with man-of-dreams, but definitely not as much as I wish I had. while in 'public' we were friendly but not obvious, as m-o-d knew of my travelling friend's used to be status. at the end of the short vacation I got really shy and wigged out saying bye in front of my friend - did not give or get any kind of address - super cool.
so am I a stalker if I ask friends in the area how to get in touch with him? did I make it all up as a vacation dream? or do I get to trust how strong that feeling actually was and at least send him a thank you for being so powerful and kind.....and then see what happens?
I don't expect much from it......but I also believe that the universe gives in relation to what you put out........ ????????????????

A. April: This is really interesting because I was just having a discussion with my dear friend about a similar situation. But it was in the context of the dumbass book "He’s just not that into you"………so, err, where was I?? Given the circumstances under which you two parted ways (i.e. your friend there……making it uncomfortable for you and M-O-D to entertain the idea of PDA), I’d say go forth with the stalking. I don’t recommend you profess your love or anything, but a kind note to say, "hey – thanks for the disease-free hookup!" seems harmless to me. If you find him and he thinks "wow, this person is a freak!", well, at least you don’t live in the same town. So, you really have nothing to lose here – and maybe if things work out, at least a new friend gained.
A. Vanessa: Does sending a thank you involve one or more of the following: getting the phone number and calling it repeatedly with little/no response, a video camera, or wire tapping? No? Okay, not stalking. There's no telling if he found the hook-up as magical as you did, but there's only one way to find out, and I'm a firm believer in both taking risks and trusting your gut.
One-hundred-zillion-percent-agree that the universe gives back what you put out. Unfortunately it doesn't always give back in the way that we expect it to. So, any effort you extend should be done free of expectations -- meaning you say "thank you" etc. and if he never responds or answers"no thanks", then know that while it may smart a little, it's not personal, and you still had an amazing mini-vacation. Keep us posted on how it goes!

Follow up to Therapist posting:
A reader sent in this website as an online resource for therapy options. Though we here at Dear Brutal Truth are cute do enjoy telling you how to think, our sizable budget (zero) doesn't include employing a fact-checker -- YET. So make up your own mind on the site.

Therapist

Q: I'm looking for a therapist. I've had three very different experiences in therapy. I was curious if you've discovered any good methods to this process? I have several friends who try to pursuade me not to go, albeit sometimes indirectly, and that's what I've been doing for the past few years. However, I think my life needs some form of an honest broker, but the search is pretty daunting. Thanks.


A. April: Not quite sure I can answer this for you since I've personally never had to reach out to a therapist (not that there's anything wrong with it people! everyone needs a little help every now and then). My suggestion is to talk to your family doctor and see if he/she can provide a referral to you. Good luck in your quest! P.S. why are your friends dissuading you from therapy?? Ignore them - they know nothing. (oh wait, you weren't asking for advice on them were you?)
A. Vanessa: Dude what's up w/ your friends? I'm glad you're following your own path. To your question though, finding a therapist is like a bikini wax: it's not that fun but you gotta do it. (If you're a guy insert some other analogy.) First, if you have insurance and want to use it, then you start making calls from that list. Many therapists might be on your insurance, but are not taking new clients. If you don't have or don't want to use insurance, then I'd start pulling together a potential list through referrals (though it doesn't seem like your friends are in a position to offer) or through the web. There are a bazillion different types of therapeutic methods out there, so do the research to find a type that might resonate w/ you. Often those sites have links to registered therapists by region. I would also consider non-traditional therapy. Second, once you culled a list, treat this like an interview process. It can be exhausting, but it's much better to find the right therapist than any therapist. Third, be up front that you're trying to find the right therapist so that they show their hand on the first visit. Personally, I look for accountability in a therapist -- meaning someone who can offer more than just an ear. Finally, trust your gut. If you happen to be in Austin, let me know and I'll recommend someone whom I really respect.

In other news.... it's APRIL'S BIRTHDAY today!!! Happy Birthday, my brutally honest friend!

April 11, 2006: Q & A

Q. I once believed, through watching old girlfriends go through this kind of thing, that if a man EVER, EVER hit me, I would drop him right then and there. No questions, no second chance, no nothing, just gone. Well, the other night my boyfriend and I had LONG verbal fight (both tired and drunk and frustrated by life and no money, etc, etc, blah blah blah...). It was that kind of night, like an evil Energizer Bunny, the fight just kept going, and going, and going.... Well, it stopped when he slapped me in the face. I don't remember what I said right before that moment, and neither does he, but that was his reaction. I told him to get the bleep out of my house. He did, I called people, he walked around for 2 hours, and then he slept on the back porch. (this happened at 2 a.m.) This happened Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, so is all still fresh. We talked Wednesday, I am the first person he's hit, he is the first person to hit me. We are both shocked, but fact remains, it happened..... Question, since we are working on the relationship, the communication problems that fueled this fight, etc, do I forgive one slap? Or am I fooling myself because I love him and am destined to become one of those women, you know the ones, "I pushed him to it, I knew better than to push him", whatever. Should EVERYONE leave after one hit, or is this merely an incident, that may never turn into a pattern? (I did tell him that if it ever happen again, we'd be over. This is the ONE mistake he gets).
A. Vanessa: Hi. I can't tell you whether or not he will hit you again, but issuing an ultimatum doesn't solve the problem, it only disguises the symptom. And, his slapping you is only part of the problem. Let's pretend that he did hit you again, and you did leave him. Problem solved, right?! Nein! You see, even if he goes on to be someone else's problem, it's likely that you could manifest something similar in the future. It may not be physical, but it could be equally as harmful. (Note: I am in no way condoning or implying that you caused his reaction; he is entirely responsible for his own actions.)
Einstein said something along the lines of "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Who knew he was an expert on physics AND relationships?! His point being, something has to change. Abstaining from behavioral patterns (e.g. I'll never hit her again; I'll never yell at him again) is not changing the sum of the equation, it's simply another way of disguising its parts. (This is similar to people who quit drinking only to take up smoking or over-eating.) I think it's wise that you're taking some responsibility here, b/c the only thing you have control over is yourself. You can choose to leave him now, or later, but unless you're in imminent danger, (which you don't indicate), much more urgent is taking a good look at your own actions, your own control issues, your own fears. The relationship is only a manifestation of its two parts, so each of you must do the work on yourself first before you can expect the way you act with someone else to change. If you're going to find a therapist to help you with this, then I would do the work to find someone who will hold you accountable - it's not a trait I've found readily in my copious time w/ therapists. Also, a good book on relationships is Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel-Ruiz.
Lastly, if you choose to stay with your boyfriend, then you are choosing to forgive him. If you are choosing to forgive him, there must be no residual feelings of superiority as it will only prevent growth.

April: Stephanie – as an outsider looking in, my first reaction is to say end the relationship. Any person who finds hitting their partner as an acceptable form of anger isn’t someone I’d like to be around. Being drunk and tired isn’t an excuse either. Thoughts would linger in my mind, “is he going to hit if another heated arugment arises?” Although he’s never done this before, the fact remains that what’s done is done, and it’s simply not acceptable. It may not turn into a pattern, but do you really want to stick around to find out?

March 30, 2006: Q & A

Q. This morning while riding the bus I realized that I had forgotten my Sudoku book and had no other reading materials with me; I noticed the man sitting next to me was reading “What Your CEO Wants You to Know” I glanced at it and read a few paragraphs. Then I stopped and wondered if this might be offensive, I rode the rest of the way looking out the window. Please Brutal Truth, give me your opinion on this.

A. Vanessa: Ahh – a question for the ages. No, it’s not wrong to shoulderdrop (or whatever the visual equivalent is to eavesdropping) for a few paragraphs. After all, you can do it on Amazon for free, and would’ve been a lot less annoying to the poor reader who had you perched with bated (and hopefully fresh) breath behind him subliminally willing him to turn the damn page. If you liked the book, (bo-ring), then I urge you to buy it or rent it from the library (yes they still exist). It is not an honorable option to sit in Barnes & Noble, sippin’ on your Shirley Temple, or whatever it is that you drink, reading the book in its near entirety but not purchasing.

A. April: Did the book make mention that your CEO wants you to know reading over someone’s shoulder is inappropriate? I know if someone were reading over my shoulder, I’d be totally creeped out (then again, I don’t like people even breathing on me). You were right to think this might be offensive….it’s an invasion of someone’s space, and totally nosy. Next time be sure to pack your own reading materials.

Q. There’s a guy I’m interested in getting to know better. The problem is, one of my good friends is infatuated with him. I don’t think she has a chance in hell with him, but she made her feelings known to me first and I know she would be hurt if she thought I was interested. I know this is an age-old dilemna. If I was in love with him, I know what I’d do, but this is more along the lines of low-level interest. What if I just want to mess around with him, but that’s all? I think my friend should get over it, but am I wrong to want to see what happens? Is he fair game?

A. Vanessa: Ooh I’ve got a story for this! It’s not exactly the same, b/c we weren’t friends, but close enough. In tenth grade this hooker girl, Julie Cyzinski, pulled me out of French class, (and by pulled me out I mean she walked in during the middle of class and told the teacher she needed to talk to me outside), to tell me she was going to kick my ass because Kevin I-don't-even-remember-his-last-name liked me and not her. Fortunately for me, right as she was *this close* to cleaning my clock, the vice principal came around the corner. He had overheard her threats (this is when eavesdropping is acceptable) and ushered her to the office. Staving off an otherwise certain death, I avoided her and Kevin like VO for the rest of the school year. They ended up dating and then I think broke up like senior year or something but by that time I had already retreated to Seattle. What was the question?

Oh yeah. So, two things here. 1. You're right -- unrequited affection doesn’t entail squatting rights. 2. You're right again -- your friend WILL BE pissed. So, if a potential booty call is worth what will likely cost you your friendship, then go for it. If this is your choice, then be completely forthright with your intentions. Hopefully your friend is less menacing than Julie Cyzinski was. That said, because you're not really that into him, I suggest dropping it until he has made it clear that he’s actually into you. Just because we can do certain things in life, doesn’t mean we should. And in this case, while you may have ethical license, it's still technically uncool, and smacks of just wanting to flex your attention-getting prowess.

A. April: This kind of seems like a no-brainer to me. If you already know that your friend would be hurt if she thought you were interested in this guy, ask yourself if he’s worth it to you. It seems like you’re kind of a bad friend if your low-level interest in this guy would trump a good friendship. If you decide to disrput your friendship for 20 minutes (at max) of “messing around”, be prepared to deal with the reprecussions. Your friends feelings wil be hurt regardless if you think she doesn’t stand a chance with him.

March 23, 2006: Q & A

Q. Vanessa, your SXSW observations seem steeped in jealousy. I was curious if you considered yourself a jealous person? April, your observations seem more about inconviences. I will submit these to SXSW suggestions.

A. April: Please do submit. Next year I refuse to be plagued by tall people crowding me.

A. Vanessa: Is this one of those comments-disguised-as-a-question? Okay I'll bite. Do I sometimes act w/ jealousy? Yes. Am I jealous person? No. But then I don't believe that a person is condemned by their thoughts.

However, Anonymous, you've given me enough pause to revise my rants. So here goes:

1. Badgies: Hell yes I want your badge. I really wanted your badge when I couldn't get in to Superchunk on Saturday night. I don't want your badge in Whole Foods/Magnolia/Jo's. Got it?

2. Skinny jeans: See, even the manufacturers think they're ugly. And, for the record, I'm not in the 3% of the population either. Happy now?

3. Double parking: Am I supposed to be jealous of double parkers?

Q. My wife is extremely hip and with-it. But I sometimes get tired of trying to keep up. There's so much self-involved stuff going on that I often feel lost. The latest craze or hip thing means nothing to me. It's not easy for me to simply like what I sincerely like and co-exist among her friends. Any suggestions?

A. April: No easy solution here. You're going to have to just suck it up and be 'not cool or hip' and be ok with that. If it means nothing to you, why agonize over it? There are much bigger issues out there besides the latest fashion craze or trendy crap.

A. Vanessa: I don't blame you for being tired of keeping up. So don't.

Q. SXSW? Why do I even try? I still miss the old days - when there was a quest to just seeking good music. That time has passed. Now there's no ability to slowly foster a relationship with a band. New Media is everywhere. Why are new bands releasing their third box set? All this output before they even polish their first song? I realize the mission is near impossible. How can a band create something mysteriously compelling in 2006? Not easy. On the fan side, I could do without everyone attaching their self-esteem or identity to the bands they brag about. What? You like the cute, buzzy, perfect band? And no one's heard of them yet? I'm so impressed. Mostly, I like music that lifts me. Sometimes a band lifts me, but their songs don't. Also, if the tunes depress me, that's fine to, but, they better be damn good. I definitely don't like bands that can characterize punk's amateurism and none of it's point or humor. And I'll take direct songs about divorces, lived lives, and adultery everybit as much the critically blessed obscure tones of the day. My Bloody Valentine was an exception, not a target. So, after SXSW, I feel like I'm the character in High Fidelity. A guy who has actually retarded his life with too much devotion to rock and roll. I'm an old guy trapped in a teenager's mindset. It's pretty pathetic, but, what else is there in Life? Let me know. See you next year, Fell O. Austinite.

A. April: Dear Fell O Austinite - this one is too deep for any kind of brutal honestly. Quite frankly, maybe you need another interest or hobby besides music if it makes you so depressed. Damn, you brought me down!

A. Vanessa: Dear Fell O. Austinite -- Dang you gots a lot of questions! Fortunately, I'm intrepid.
SXSW? Yes.
Why do I even try? I dunno? Ritalin?
Why are new bands releasing their third box set? All this output before they even polish their first song? Agreed -- lame. My inclination was to indict the recording industry b/c I share your irk, but the problem is not in the production, the problem is in the demand. Simply, if people didn't buy them they wouldn't produce them. My suggestion is to camp out in Walmart and administer electric shocks to the suckers who are purchasing these.
How can a band create something mysteriously compelling in 2006? Ask The Walkmen.
What? Huh?
You like the cute, buzzy, perfect band? Oh yes mama, yes.
And no one's heard of them yet? Ask the Walkmen.
It's pretty pathetic, but, what else is there in Life? We already answered this question, yo. Third question down. Phew! You wore me out. Nap time.

Q. I thought it rained too much. I blame God.

A. April: You are absolutely right to blame God. Everything bad that happens is his fault. You *might* want to throw Jesus into that mix as well. He's no innocent.

A. Vanessa: Who???

Dear Brutal Truth: SXSW Observations Edition

Dear Readers:
In honor of our favorite Austin tradition, SXSW, we've decided to post all the things that we hate about this otherwise great festival. (That and the fact that we haven't had any questions in WAY TOO LONG so write to us, please. We don't look pretty begging.)

Vanessa:
1. The Badgies -- Wearing your badge in Whole Foods / Magnolia / Jo's OR anywhere other than a music venue doesn't make you cool -- it makes you a tool.
2. Skinny jeans -- Pencil-legged pants look good on roughly 3% of the population. Odds are, you're not one of them.
3. Double parking -- Listen, you East Coast punks, this is not New York. If you're wondering why the locals are so over you, this is one of the reasons. (Editor's note: Irony duly noted that I'm now an East Coaster, but I can smugly state that I do not double park. Ever.)


April:
1. The Bars -- SXSW introduces you to places you never thought you'd be. Spiro's until 2 am?? You got it. And yes, it's as bad as the promo commercials make it out to be.

2. The moshers - is it really necessary to be a jerk and thrash around at the front of the stage when there's obviously no room for your freakazoid dancing??

3. Tall people -- this is mainly for our non-gigantor audience who will feel my pain. Why is it that I manage to squeeze my 4 foot nothing ass up to the front, only to be trumped by the tallest GUY in the joint? Because people suck.

March 6, 2006: Q & A

Dear DearBrutalTruth Readers: Sorry for the delay in responding. We'd be much faster if we were gettin' paid.

Q. I sincerely hope this doesn't fall into the juvenile/lame category, 'cause it's a serious question. These days, I'm running into lots of fellows who seem obviously (to me) gay or bi, except they have girlfriends/wives. I mean it's like a freakin' epidemic. I don't consider myself a homophobe at all, it's all cool with me (really) but I feel like I'm particpating in some silly charade in which everyone is pretending they're straight. It's like "I can hit on you and be suggestive and flirty with other dudes because I have a woman and that means I'm not gay/bi". These are cool people I want to remain friends with, but sometimes I think I'd be doing them and possibly their women a favor by letting them all know I see beyond the facade. Also, does this give me license to hit on their women (mostly as a way of establishing to them that I'm not gay)? Please advise.

A. Vanessa: No and no.

A. April: Being gay is cool with you? That’s great news for all those gay people out there – I’m sure they’ll rest better knowing at least one person in the world doesn’t care. But if this is really true – then the rest of your question is a waste of time. First of all, if these are cool people you want to reamin friends with, then you’ll get over your sluething trying to figure out if they are gay or straight. Does it freakin’ matter? Second of all, your question about having permission to hit on their women to establish you’re not gay is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. If you consider these people your friends, what makes you think hitting on their women is OK? And why the need to establish the fact that your not gay? This makes you sound like a complete homophobe moron. My suggestion to you is to get over this infatuation or find new friends

Q. I came across your site from a friend's email. It looks interesting. I'm a divorced older male. Through my lifetime, I've seen many things change. Things I didn't count on. I've been single for almost 5 years now. I think I see what you're going for here, but I'd like to add that MEN and WOMEN are entirely different creatures! My problem is I prefer younger women. They seem to match my energy level better. Unfortunately I'm not youthful enough in my appearance. What would suggest I do? Give up? Please don't recommend exercise.

A. Vanessa: Are you suggesting that we don't know men like men know men? And?
Anyways, you're in luck. Though we've written about this before, I can't expect you to remember every brilliant detail in our impressive volumes (3 blogs), so I'm going to answer it again. With a twist, just for you. First, define younger. If you're like 85 and they're 65 it's cool b/c no one expects you to be having sex anymore, which is all anyone thinks about when they consider the palatable-factor of a couple. Second, have you tried your local School for the Blind? Kidding, jeez.
I'm not going to tell you that's it's a little creepy (it is) or that you should change your interests (you should), rather I'm just going to give you the facts b/c that's what you're paying us for (you're not). Most younger women are not attracted to your average older man, and especially those that are only attracted to younger women. Why? Several reasons: you're not in the same peer group, so you're not privy to environments in which they typically develop an attraction to someone. Unless, Anonymous, you're Donald Trump or Michael Douglas, in which case, why are you writing?
Anywhoo, older men attracted to younger women can give off that needy / I've-still-got-it-don't-I?-vibe, which is totally unattractive. Self-esteem is everything, so if you're anything other than completely comfortable in your own skin, know that you're working a particularly unforgiving demographic.
So, the odds are stacked. That's all. This doesn't mean you should give up, but maybe in the time you're spending waiting to find that rare young woman who can get past the age difference, the lack of common interests, and whatever else might be going on, you could focus on what you're really attracted to, instead of hiding behind the pretty weak "energy level" excuse.

A. April: Please don’t recommend exercise??? So let me get this straight. You’re an older male without a youthful appearance who doesn’t like to exercise? I hate to say this, but if you’re not willing to put forth any effort, how exactly do you go about even snagging a younger woman? Aside from botox and plastic surgery, seems like some exercise, and maybe an update to your wardrobe (I’m stretching here) is your best bet. Unless you have a crap load of cash...then I suggest throwing it at women -- it might increase your odds.

Q: I'm a male who's losing hair. Since you're so honest, what level of priority should I place on trying to keep it, alter it, shape it? How do I approach this problem? Austin, Texas

A: April: How do you even begin to shape thinning hair? Sounds like a difficult chore. Listen, nobody likes to witness a comb-over or (worse yet) a baldie with a pony tail. Nothing ages a guy worse than that. My suggestion is to take the plunge and shave it all. So much more classic (and interesting) than trying to cover it up with the magic spray on hair.

A: Vanessa: Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you -- your club foot baldness *is* pretty sweet, so you're screwed what's the problem?
Okay, sorry. Here's the truth: If you want to disguise your thinning hair, I'd suggest Annie Cobb (she's at the salon next to Horseshoe Tavern on S. Lamar) or Naomi at Shag Salon on S. First. They've both addressed this gracefully on similar folk.
To tackle your question on priority: this is NOT pressing, brother. While it's true that as a general rule, many women (I'm assuming that's your audience) find a full head of hair more attractive than not, I have several friends and an ex-boyfriend who've carried this off, hotness firmly intact. (As a reminder, confidence trumps hair, too.) I don't even know what you look like but from the sounds of your email you're pretty cute, and so personally, I'd rank this behind Which-Shirt-Makes-My-Eyes-Look-Bluer?-This-One-Or-That-One? on the Worry Scale.