April 25, 2006: Q & A

Q: My across the street neighbors have a daughter who is approximately three, and whose grandmother enjoys taking on walking adventures into my yard. (grandma = an active 50-ish woman) My schedule has recently become more flexible--and with the luxury of new, daytime hours spent (working) at home, I've "discovered" these walking trips. My first week at home, I asked the woman why she was in my yard (although it faces the front of my house, due to its odd orientation, its actually a very large backyard). I am a renter, not an owner, but it was weird. She explained that her granddaughter liked to wander over (across a street, oddly enough)((would you let a toddler cross any street on her own?)), and she bassically trailed behind, acting as lifegaurd and damage prevention. I thought it was a one time occassion.

Both of our homes are about two blocks from a large, safe, kid-friendly city park, and judging by the number of vehicles parked in front of their home, grandma drives to visit her granddaughter, and is probably capable of driving her granddaughter two blocks to the park, if the two blocks is too far for her just-learning-to-walk-legs to travel at this point.

My house is oriented in a manner that enables me to dance around naked in the middle of the day, sunshine streaming in, without streetside witnesses. I think that this is what irks me about the family outings in my yard. I feel restrained in my daytime home environment, worried that they make take an outing into my yard when I'm in the middle of dancing about to Metric. Or who knows. Am I the neighborhood witch for asking the fam to take their nature outings in their own yard, or to the park, even if I may not be home, utilizing my yard all of the time? The girl is adorable and the grandma is nice, but it makes me uncomfortable to have strangers in my yard. Is this too selfish?

A. Vanessa: Ahem, I don't suppose you've seen the underground must-read, Handguide for Remote Work? The first chapter is titled Don't Blow our Cover, B!tch: Upholding the Appearance of Work. Do all of us remote workers a favor and read it, *please*. You'll learn helpful hints like "NEVER admit to dancing around naked when you're on the clock" (Tip #75) and "Mute porn during conference calls" (Tip #143). Note: To my co-workers/boss who might be reading this -- I am always at my desk, fully clothed, all day long. I swear. Mostly.
So, your question -- it sounds really like you want a way to ask your neighbors to stay out of your yard without hurting their feelings. It's impossible to know what will or won't hurt someone's feelings, which is why your obligation is only to be polite and kind. Let Grandma know what it is that you want -- perhaps something along the lines of: I would prefer it if you didn't play in my yard when I'm inside/at home/always/fill-in-the-blank? Afterwards continue to be friendly and a good neighbor not because you're apologetic, but because you're truly friendly and a good neighbor.

April: So this loooong story is all to request permission to dance around your house naked? Let me ask you this - if you were dancing in your living room naked and someone on the street saw you, would you ask that they not walk down your street? The short answer to your question about being the neighborhood witch is yes, you are. You're that person who takes the water hose to the kids riding their bike on your driveway. I suggest you close your blinds when you want to dance around like a free spirit in your birthday suit……..don't damage the poor child's (or grandma's) retinas by shaking your bare bum in front of open windows! Trust me, they don't want to see it.