Q. I married a man with two boys from a previous marriage. My mother told me to think seriously, but the boys were little and cute. How much trouble could they be?Truly, they are no trouble and are very smart. However, they have expensive higher education "ambitions". I quote ambitions because I wonder if they will ever graduate and pursue said lofty ambitions.One boy is in his fifth year of undergraduate college and has attended expensive abroad trips and summer school for the past four years AND HAS NEVER HAD A JOB!!!The other kid is at a fancy east coast school that is sucking nearly $50,000 a year. Early on, the husband and I talked about allocating $300,000 for the boys college costs. With projected costs, we are over budget by $17,000, not counting books and travel. AND, the husband has told them that he will pay for them to get Ph.D.'s if they want.I see no end to this luxury schooling and since neither child has ever had a job, my conclusion is that they are going to stay in school until the cows come home!We have two small children and are saving for their education. Sorta. They both have Texas Tomorrow Funds paid for. No Ivy League for them unless they earn it. Hook 'em Horns!It's not that I want my(our) children to have an expensive educations - I want them to work, apprentice, earn, appreciate. I've worked since I was 14 and know how rewarding it is to earn something.Anyway, it sickens me to spend this money, but I also feel like that because my husband makes most of the money that I don't have a right to complain. Clearly, the husband feels guilt about his divorce and cowers to confrontation. Like last week when one of the kids called to say they had been picked (yea) to go on a study trip to HAWAII,he said great. Cha-ching. That's $6,000 and it's not even a summer program. It's "fall break". Then, there is Spring Break, Summer Break (France already in the works.)Having never been to Hawaii myself, I am a little resentful. Honestly, we have a good marriage and usually talk it out, but the boys have always been a sticky situation.What to do?
A. April: Dear Reader: Sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious come to jesus meeting, and soon. While your husband may think he’s doing his sons a favor by continuing to fund their education and spring break trips (Hawaii?? wtf?!?), he’s quite blatantly showing favoritism and cheating his other children from a potential similar experience. I’m not even talking an ivy league education, but if I’m correct, the Texas Tomorrow Fund doesn’t allow for an out-of-state education (of course, as a Texas Alum, is there really any need?? ;-) ).
You absolutely have a right to voice your concern. A marriage, after all, is about partnership and sharing. Just because your husband makes most of the money doesn’t mean he gets to solely decide what to do with it. My recommendation is to discuss this with as little emotional attachment as possible. After all, this isn’t about the kids. It’s about your husbands inability to say no. Discuss the simple numbers around this (i.e. 17,000 over budget!) and try to work together to find some sort of compromise (sure son, you can get your PhD, but you’ll need to find alternate funding like oh say…one of the many grants that are out there!?).
Good luck – maybe after your heart-to-heart you can start saving for your own trip to Hawaii.
A. Vanessa: Hey there. Sorry - I woulda answered this question back in September when you posted it, but I just finished reading it. Anyway, here are the real problems, in order of magnitude (and trust me, the price of the education is just a convenient red herring): 1. Communication, you to husband. 2. Communication, husband to children.
So, talk to your husband. You too are "cower[ing] to confrontation" when you avoid discussions because you don't earn as much money. Think about that -- you don't feel like you're worthy BECAUSE OF MONEY. That's just retarded. The boys are only a "sticky" situation because you feel in a lower negotiating position than your husband. YOU know your husband isn't doing his kids any favors but until you decide to speak up, you're just as culpable. Every single time you hear that little voice in your head telling you that you don't have a right to talk about how you feel, know that it's bullshit. Quit worrying about right and wrong, and just start speaking up. While you're at it, start questioning where else in your life you let shame hold you back.
You absolutely have a right to voice your concern. A marriage, after all, is about partnership and sharing. Just because your husband makes most of the money doesn’t mean he gets to solely decide what to do with it. My recommendation is to discuss this with as little emotional attachment as possible. After all, this isn’t about the kids. It’s about your husbands inability to say no. Discuss the simple numbers around this (i.e. 17,000 over budget!) and try to work together to find some sort of compromise (sure son, you can get your PhD, but you’ll need to find alternate funding like oh say…one of the many grants that are out there!?).
Good luck – maybe after your heart-to-heart you can start saving for your own trip to Hawaii.
A. Vanessa: Hey there. Sorry - I woulda answered this question back in September when you posted it, but I just finished reading it. Anyway, here are the real problems, in order of magnitude (and trust me, the price of the education is just a convenient red herring): 1. Communication, you to husband. 2. Communication, husband to children.
So, talk to your husband. You too are "cower[ing] to confrontation" when you avoid discussions because you don't earn as much money. Think about that -- you don't feel like you're worthy BECAUSE OF MONEY. That's just retarded. The boys are only a "sticky" situation because you feel in a lower negotiating position than your husband. YOU know your husband isn't doing his kids any favors but until you decide to speak up, you're just as culpable. Every single time you hear that little voice in your head telling you that you don't have a right to talk about how you feel, know that it's bullshit. Quit worrying about right and wrong, and just start speaking up. While you're at it, start questioning where else in your life you let shame hold you back.
