Q&A; May 25, 2007

Q. so i've been seeing this guy for about a month and am realizing that everything is really casual for him still, where i am becoming emotionally involved and increasingly more agitated as i see that he feels no sort of committment to call or write to me on any sort of regular or consistent basis. i take total responsibility for going into this without actually asking for the things i want and deserve, like respect, support and appreciation, and now i see that I'm getting exactly what i expected out of him, which is very little. i figure i'll get up the courage in the next day or two to call him and tell him that i'm not happy, that i don't feel respected, and that i need him to be more involved and interested or we need to just be friends and i need to move on. but beyond that, i guess my question, though, is where do i go from here? i see now very clearly from being involved with this person that i approach him the same way i've approached every relationship with every man in my life: with an attitude of, "you aren't possibly going to love me anyway, so i'll just force myself to be contented with whatever scraps of attention you throw my way." i want to say i won't do this anymore, but asking for something different, for something like a stable, supportive, loving relationship--something i've never had and i can only imagine exists--feels sort of like i'm asking for a miracle. i feel like i'm in that confused, empty space of having given up a way that's not working, but not having quite found a grasp of what could work better. could you offer any non-sugar-coated insight?




A. April: Ohhhh GIRLFRIEND! I don't even know where to begin with you! Let's start with the "poor-me" attitude you've threaded into your question. What is UP with the drama?? If asking for some respect in this world is like asking for a miracle to you, I think you need a serious (and I do mean SERIOUS) attitude adjustment. If you're looking for some quick fix to your problem, sorry sista, it ain't here. You need to find a way to pull yourself out of your funk and start showing yourself some respect before you can expect to receive it from anyone else (include a man!). While you're at it, empower yourself to make the changes and adjustments in your life so you exude confidence and self-worth. I'd put the guys on the backburner for now – sounds like you need to spend some quality "me" time working out some issues. I firmly believe that one needs to find happiness within. Without this, you'll constantly be looking for someone else to fill that void…and that just isn't going to happen. Good luck girl!



A. Vanessa: Okay, sweets... here I go... First, 'emotionally involved' implies that you are opening your heart, which you aren't, if your emotions are dependent on his responsiveness (or lack of). Second, "I deserve more/better" is really another way of saying "why am I not enough for him?" This isn't a question of being enough. It's just not a match. If it were, you wouldn't be racking your brain to figure it out or making him wrong.


Now, on to the big stuff. The reason this keeps happening is because you're looking for respect from the outside in, and well, it just doesn't work like that. Stable, loving relationships don't just happen to us, we cultivate them. And, if you think you can cultivate it w/ someone you're not a match w/ just because you'd rather not be alone, well, it doesn't work like that either.

Know that there's absolutely nothing to do and for godsakes quit blaming yourself. Just because you and some guy didn't work out doesn't mean there is something wrong w/ you (though, to be fair, there could be). Anyway, go in to the empty space - and instead of trying fix your way out of it, stay there, where it's uncomfortable. When you're tempted to repeat your old sob story again, go back to that uncomfortability again and again. This habit of blaming yourself is just avoidance wrapped in a nice and pretty package with the label Introspection slapped on it. You are NOT looking in. You know how you tell? Looking In doesn't have a story attached to it. Looking In is simply awareness without any labels of good, bad, right, wrong. So, sit w/ it. Eventually someone will come along and you won't have to worry that you'll mess that one up too.

Where do you go from here? Go ahead, make the call. Break up. But please, before you do, drop the drama. Seriously, it's way hotter to be like "hey this just isn't working for me" than to be all righteous and shit. The whole "I deserve more" line is so 1977 anyway. (And no, that doesn't make it retro-cool.)