Q. This is heavy, but when someone you know very well (an older sibling) and love very much is going through a time of total chaos in her life, what is the best way to respond and also keep your own sanity? I’ve tried lots of things, but because we live across the country from each other, most of our interaction is by phone, and those conversations are becoming more hysterical each time we talk. I can’t go into all her issues, but she’s very unhappy with her life, has 2 small children, and feels constantly victimized by everything from her childhood to her marriage. The issues are serious; our entire extended family is worried about her and her children’s health. No matter what we do, she just wants to lash out at us. I feel guilty because, though my life is not without problems, I am in a good place in my life, though I am careful to never compete with her in any way. I can’t help but feel part of her anger has to do with a sibling rivalry i.e. “our parents love you more”, “you’ve got it so easy in life”, etc. Can you tell me how to show her love and support but not get completely stressed out by her animosity towards me and the rest of my family? I understand you’re not providing clinical help for her issues, but I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to deal with the situation.
A. Terry: Dear “Little Sis,” I think the best way to show your sibling love and support, is to stay the course, showing her love and support. You have got to counteract her overall craziness with a more objective approach, listening to her rants does not mean internalizing and owning them. They are her issues, not yours, or her kid’s, or her husband’s (bless his heart). The minute you [and your family] try to take on her problems in order to “solve” them, you’re doomed. And this guilt thing, please lord, stop with the guilt. What is it that you have done? ‘Guilt’ is synonymous with everything ‘family’ these days…..everyone feels guilty about everything and everyone. If you are guilty of something, I urge you to go down to the local authorities and turn yourself in at once. Seriously though, beating yourself up by thinking that you are doing an inadequate job of supporting your sister when you live across the country is a recipe for disaster. You might as well try to make chocolate chip cookies and only buy ingredients for meatloaf and see how well you succeed. Without knowing the full extent of her issues, and assuming that she has not tried the good, old fashioned, as-American-as-apple-pie route of clinical psychology with an daily anti-depressant chaser, it is quite hard to determine how big sis’ will find closure here. For you though, my advice is to be in charge of your own emotions and stop owning your sister’s. Let’s step back for a brief moment and take a look at things as they really are. You and your sister may have had a sibling rivalry, your parents may have treated you more favorably and you just may have had the good fortune to have had a smoother path through life, but none of that is your fault nor is it something you need to feel bad about every time you speak to your sister! As painful as it may be to see someone you love go through hardships in their own life, in the end, that is what it is, their own life. Her problem may or may not work itself out, but don’t get dragged down with it or you’ll be no use to her when she comes to understand how supportive you’ve been and reaches out to you.
A. Vanessa: The thing about family, is that often our b.s. threshold is whack. We take on things from our siblings, parents, second cousins, etc. that we would never assume if not for birth relations. And in this case, it's your tolerance for your sister's drama. You're not doing her any favors by a) feeling guilty and b) accepting it. In fact, both are enabling. If you really want to help her, you'll do so by reinforcing the fact that in her life, those things which she has had control over (e.g. kids, geography, marriage, etc.) she has had control over. It's incredibly empowering to realize that we are not victims, and our lot is largely the sum of our choices and our own perception. (It seems you've already recognized this.) As my favorite yoga teacher says -- "the difference between a flower and a weed is judgment". I haven't confirmed the genetic veracity of this -- and if you're a botanist and know differently keep it to yourself, thank you, because the point I'm making (and yes, I'm getting there slowly) is this: the belief we hold about our own experiences is a matter of opinion.
You don't need to preach -- your actions and being clear about this in your own life will set the example. With your sister, be an active listener, and be empathetic, but avoid "helping" in any way other than that. She has to learn that she's very capable of changing her life. "Saving" her (even if this is just by commiserating)is reinforcing her own misguided belief that she is not truly capable.
