Q. Dear Brutal Truth-
My dear, sweet husband is a great guy: caring, supportive, engaged and engaging, etc. He’s also sensitive (in the bad way) and leans toward sketchy self-esteem, especially in the superficial/physical category, i.e., he doubts he’s da bomb, which in my opinion he is. Here’s the situation, in the past week or so during the steamy part of our love life he has developed an excess of saliva, as in, during a kiss there is just too much spit being exchanged. I am SO grossed out and find the quickest way to end such exchange of love. My initial response was to say, “Gee-awd, what is the matter with you? An enormous amount of gooey spit is drooling out of your mouth into mine. Swallow, will you!” Of course, if I were to point out anything that resembled a flaw he would be crushed and it would take hours upon hours for me to reassure him that he is the man of my dreams.This drool is a big ick factor to me, and honestly, if it’s not stopped soon, I know that nine years of consistent and good sex will be down the drain, and once the sex goes, the marriage will follow. For the sake of my four precious children, tell how I can subtly convey that this problem exists and needs to be fixed.
Signed,
In Love with the Kissing (a)Bandit
A. Vanessa: Holy shit. What an excellent question! First things first: if you want a "subtle" answer, go to Miss Manners. Now, on to the umm, juice. I'm sure in our vast readership there may be a physician out there who might attribute the excessive saliva to a medical condition. But, since I'm neither a doctor nor care what the cause is, here's how I'd put it: Dude, what's with the spit? No need to be rude or judgmental, but you do have to put it out there so he's aware. And lastly, because you know I wouldn't let this one slide -- you're not doing him (or for that matter, you) any favors by reassuring him for "hours upon hours." Every time you coddle, you reinforce the behavior. A) You cannot give him his self-esteem and B) It's arrogant to think you can. If you want it to stop you have to let him stay with feeling uncomfortable. Since the only way out is through you may have to sit on your people-pleasing hands as you watch him squirm, but do it anyway, because *that's* love, and the squirming will turn into growth.
P.S. Again, I'm not a doctor, but I seem to remember that excess saliva may be related to liver imbalance so he may want to check with his naturopath / physician for a liver cleanse, or a proper diagnosis. :-)
A. April: Dear Reader….has your husband changed anything in his before-bedtime diet?? I mean, I recall using milk and / or orange juice to thicken up the saliva for a fierce spit battle with my siblings. Maybe he’s doing the same thing? I don’t blame you for being grossed out – I myself gagged in my mouth when reading this question. Intimate matter are always difficult to approach, however, in situations such as this honesty is the best policy. You have no other choice unless you want to fake it for the rest of your life or wind up a divorcee. If your marriage has been strong enough to withstand four kids, surely this one gloppy obstacle can be overcome with a little tact. It may be painful (which, btw, why the low self-esteem? Maybe he should look into that), but those vows “for better or for worse” totally include embarrassing situations such as this. Good luck!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Q & A: November 18, 2006
Q. Dear Brutal Truth -- My children are regular, average, normal kids and I don’t want to put them in the local Juicy Couture, video game promoting public school in my Westlake-ish neighborhood and have them come out looking like Barbie’s who crave Hummer’s. On the contrary, the other choice is Kirby Hall where the little darlings will learn, learn, learn. There are no sports and each kid wears a Land’s End navy and white uniform. The KHS culture is all about super smart kids achieving and being the best brains. Am I pushing my children down the Star Trek path — being married to a Trekkie, I know that there might be a genetic predisposition. Will my children never fit in at a football game? Is that even important? I want my kids to be vibrant, well-rounded and have lots of close friends. Will Kirby Hall demand all their time for academia and turn them into little nerds?
A. Vanessa: Hi. Your choices are not limited to Hummer Barbie or Spock dork. Though I can see how you'd think that -- IF you're totally weighted down in your own life by other people's perceptions. How do kids turn in to vapid fops and social misfits? By not feeling good enough. (You academic sorts out there might think this over-simplified. It's not. Quit hatin'.) The pattern of self-doubt should stop with you so if you want to raise hip kids well, the ball's in your court. I would start by dropping your rigid definitions of what it looks like to be cool. Kids totally pick up society's and their parents' expectations and fears, which means that all those places where you don't feel good enough are wrapped up like a lame Christmas present for your kid to undertake. So, it's not about Westlake or Kirby Hall. They're just symptoms. It's about cultivating a deep-seated confidence. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, sister, so BE the change. P.S. Either way you go, depending on your child's interests, you may need to supplement their school activities. No big deal.
A. April: Which do you see the less of two evils? A hobbit-loving kid with an active imagination, or a self-centered brat who believes the world revolves around designer jeans? You seem to be worried your kids will grow up like your husband…which is kinda rude in and of itself. He’s a dork and you love him anyway…what would be so bad for your kids to be the similar? If your concern is that your kids won’t have the opportunity to play sports at school, here’s an idea – enroll them in a city league or after-school program! The world would be a much better place with some smarties running around…..let them be free to be nerds. By the way, just because they're smart doesn't mean they're weiners.
A. Vanessa: Hi. Your choices are not limited to Hummer Barbie or Spock dork. Though I can see how you'd think that -- IF you're totally weighted down in your own life by other people's perceptions. How do kids turn in to vapid fops and social misfits? By not feeling good enough. (You academic sorts out there might think this over-simplified. It's not. Quit hatin'.) The pattern of self-doubt should stop with you so if you want to raise hip kids well, the ball's in your court. I would start by dropping your rigid definitions of what it looks like to be cool. Kids totally pick up society's and their parents' expectations and fears, which means that all those places where you don't feel good enough are wrapped up like a lame Christmas present for your kid to undertake. So, it's not about Westlake or Kirby Hall. They're just symptoms. It's about cultivating a deep-seated confidence. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, sister, so BE the change. P.S. Either way you go, depending on your child's interests, you may need to supplement their school activities. No big deal.
A. April: Which do you see the less of two evils? A hobbit-loving kid with an active imagination, or a self-centered brat who believes the world revolves around designer jeans? You seem to be worried your kids will grow up like your husband…which is kinda rude in and of itself. He’s a dork and you love him anyway…what would be so bad for your kids to be the similar? If your concern is that your kids won’t have the opportunity to play sports at school, here’s an idea – enroll them in a city league or after-school program! The world would be a much better place with some smarties running around…..let them be free to be nerds. By the way, just because they're smart doesn't mean they're weiners.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Get 'em while they're HOTT
DBT stickers are here! If you promise to post them in public places that won't get us sued, drop us a line and we'll send you some. Much obliged.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Posting to DBT
Ok, ok, we know our site sucks for our users, so just email us your questions and we'll tackle the posting for now. Or, feel free to post as a comment to a previous post if you want to be anonymous. The new and improved dearbrutaltruth.com coming your way soon!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
August 23, 2006: Q&A
Q: I have a dilemma that I really should consider fortunate. I have a decent job that pays really well and offers a ton of flexibility. However, I find myself bored to tears with this job, and looking around at the different projects going on don’t really excite me. I’ve been with this company for awhile now, and I really think it’s time for me to move on to a different challenge. The problem is I’ve been offered a large sum of money if I stay for five more months. Is it dumb of me to look for other work before I collect the money? Should I just suck it up and wait it out? Please help – I’d hate to make a really bad decision based on either greed or impulse.
A. Vanessa: Quit already wouldja? First, it sounds like you already know what to do but are ignoring your intuition. The more you ignore it, the quieter it gets. The quieter it gets the closer you get to ending up on Dr. Phil talkin' 'bout those seven babies you had w/ seven different people. Sweet.
Second, you're assuming that life is a zero sum game. It's not. You think that if you walk away from the bonus you're left with nothing. Maybe, but I doubt it. I can't say how you'll be compensated, but I believe that when you take big risks (and no, I don't mean unprotected sex), you're rewarded big.
Lastly, job hunting is rarely a quick turnaround. Gone are the days of looking in the classifieds on a Sunday and starting a week from Monday. The whole interviewing process can take a while (trust me on this -- I just changed jobs) so you may start looking now and find your new start date coinciding w/ your five months pay-off. Cha-ching.
A. Vanessa: Quit already wouldja? First, it sounds like you already know what to do but are ignoring your intuition. The more you ignore it, the quieter it gets. The quieter it gets the closer you get to ending up on Dr. Phil talkin' 'bout those seven babies you had w/ seven different people. Sweet.
Second, you're assuming that life is a zero sum game. It's not. You think that if you walk away from the bonus you're left with nothing. Maybe, but I doubt it. I can't say how you'll be compensated, but I believe that when you take big risks (and no, I don't mean unprotected sex), you're rewarded big.
Lastly, job hunting is rarely a quick turnaround. Gone are the days of looking in the classifieds on a Sunday and starting a week from Monday. The whole interviewing process can take a while (trust me on this -- I just changed jobs) so you may start looking now and find your new start date coinciding w/ your five months pay-off. Cha-ching.
Monday, August 07, 2006
August 7, 2006: Q&A
Q. In a world where finding 'new' friends of the same gender can sometimes be a bit tricky, I recently befriended a woman from an old job. Having spent only two evenings hanging out, drinking and talking, she extended an offer to me for a weekend vacation at S. Padre Island. I was excited b/c it seemed like we had a ton in common and I figured, what could possibly go wrong during a relaxing weekend at the beach???
Well, it suddenly became very clear that she might have a few screws loose. We had a few 'minor' disagreements...but no big deal, right? I figured we were just learning how the other operates and how to communicate. Well, she was obviously VERY upset b/c I 'took charge' of a situation at the hostess stand and made a decision regarding where we should sit without consulting her first. She spoke to me in a very demeaning way and I wasn't quite sure what to do. In an effort to diffuse the situation, I took full responsibility and said, 'I'm sorry...I didn't realize I was taking charge or that by doing so would hurt your feelings". When she replied back, "I don't have any FEELINGS, you do want you want and I'll just follow", I was completely in shock. No one has every spoken to me in a similar tone and I don't believe I would ever do the same to someone else. Needless to say, I slept with one eye open and my purse under the covers. We managed to make it through the weekend without any stab wounds and I was grateful to head home. She's since emailed me, but I'm not sure if this would be a friendship worth pursuing. I feel like she's likely to snap any second? Your thoughts?
Regards,
Not short enough on friends to put up with that S#!T.
A. Vanessa: My thoughts about what? Should you hang out w/ the kook again? That would make you as crazy as her. If what you're really asking is, is it okay to ignore someone who's reaching out to me even though I'd rather drive chopsticks through my eyes than spend another manic weekend w/ her? The answer is simply, yes. We don't have to always click w/ people. Sometimes it's just not a match and that's that. It can be tempting to make the other person wrong, crazy, psychotic or whatever to justify potentially hurting their feelings by not wanting to continue a friendship, but I assure you, it's unnecessary. You don't have to be a heartless bitch in declining her offers, but you also don't have to assume any of the rejection you think she might feel. As I see it, here are your options -- conveniently listed in order of balls, from Wuss to Ass-kicker: 1) Keep hanging out and say nothing but gossip about this psycho in your life. 2) Answer IMs, email, phone, etc but always make excuses as to why you can't hang out. 3) Block her from IM, stop returning emails and/or phone calls. 4) Be honest with her.
A. April:As the sage and wise Snoop Dog says, "..when the bitch cop an attitude - drop it like it's hot!". Why would you want to risk getting your tires slashed or your doggies boiled in a hot bath?? Just so you don't come across as rude? She crossed that line long ago when she blew your head off for some minute offense. Cut your losses with this one. As for the future, maybe an application form with a clear note at the top "Psychos need not apply".
Q. A friend recently suggested that I read an article that suggested happiness is something we each 'decide' to accept, regardless of the situation (i.e. job, marriage, etc.), rather than make a change in an effort to create your own happiness. Some of the author's suggestions equated to the following: If you work at Petsmart, be the best damn cashier you can be. Just know that you're putting a smile on many dogs' faces should be enough for you to value your job. Or if you're stuck working in a cubicle doing work you can't stand, why not 'pimp your cube' and make it the hottest cube in the building?
I personally found these suggestions somewhat ridiculous. Yes, we all have the option of choosing whether our glass is half full or half empty. Does that mean that we should stay in a situation regardless of what it may be (job, marriage, etc.) because if we 'just allow ourselves to think about it in the right way', then we'll always be growing and creating our own happiness. At what point should we consider change? If unhappiness isn't the trigger, what would be?
A. April: Honestly, this is a bad questions to ask this Dear Brutal advice-giver as I find myself in search of a little bit of work happiness. So far what I've learned is that even if I try really, really hard to come to work with a great attitude, within five minutes this place sucks me dry and makes me want to weep. Does this mean maybe it's time for me to create happiness elsewhere? Maybe. What would probably be more helpful is if I took some time to really figure out what my definition of happiness is. If you're miserable at work, is it really the job, or do you just suck with your bad attitude? Before hoppin on the next train to be a short-order cook at McDonald's, make sure you've given some thought to what exactly it is you're looking for. Maybe you just need a hobby or a man to make working at the carwarsh 8 hours a day more bearable!
A. Vanessa: Dude pimpin' out your cube WILL NOT bring you happiness. Pimpin' out your ride, your house, getting a boyfriend/girlfriend/new outfit?? Now those'll make you swoon.
IMHO, I think the author got it *half* right: we do create our own consciousness. Is this glass half-full really is your choice. And this is where it could get confusing b/c glass half full is none of the following: 1. Suffering 2. Bailing when things get sticky 3. Faking happy.
There is another way -- and it's not always the easiest road but it does lead to creating your own bliss, independent of the job, the boy/girl, the city you live in, the possessions. It's called knowing what you want and then doing exactly that. Often times we get really caught up in reasons why we can't do what we want (read: what makes us happy) -- I don't have the money/I'm married/I'm single/x wouldn't approve/I'll be lonely/I don't like chicken, etc. -- instead of simply doing what it is that would. The more you practice following your desires, the more you create flow in your life, and the more the glass becomes half full without you having to pretend you see more water than you really do. P.S. I think the glass thing is played out.
So, should you stay in that PetSmart job even though you hate it or stay in the boring relationship when you could totally hook up with the hot guy at work? Not so fast... see doing what makes you happy is not carte blanche for ditching the boring/bland/usual. When you leave a situation that sucks, you want to make sure you're not the part of the equation doing the sucking, else you'll keep finding yourself in the same situation again and again, with different employers, friends, and partners.
Doing what makes you happy may seem hard if you don't even know what you want, but as you practice listening to the small voice inside you (intuition), it gets easier and easier until the big decisions come along and the choice that will make you happy is unmistakable.
Well, it suddenly became very clear that she might have a few screws loose. We had a few 'minor' disagreements...but no big deal, right? I figured we were just learning how the other operates and how to communicate. Well, she was obviously VERY upset b/c I 'took charge' of a situation at the hostess stand and made a decision regarding where we should sit without consulting her first. She spoke to me in a very demeaning way and I wasn't quite sure what to do. In an effort to diffuse the situation, I took full responsibility and said, 'I'm sorry...I didn't realize I was taking charge or that by doing so would hurt your feelings". When she replied back, "I don't have any FEELINGS, you do want you want and I'll just follow", I was completely in shock. No one has every spoken to me in a similar tone and I don't believe I would ever do the same to someone else. Needless to say, I slept with one eye open and my purse under the covers. We managed to make it through the weekend without any stab wounds and I was grateful to head home. She's since emailed me, but I'm not sure if this would be a friendship worth pursuing. I feel like she's likely to snap any second? Your thoughts?
Regards,
Not short enough on friends to put up with that S#!T.
A. Vanessa: My thoughts about what? Should you hang out w/ the kook again? That would make you as crazy as her. If what you're really asking is, is it okay to ignore someone who's reaching out to me even though I'd rather drive chopsticks through my eyes than spend another manic weekend w/ her? The answer is simply, yes. We don't have to always click w/ people. Sometimes it's just not a match and that's that. It can be tempting to make the other person wrong, crazy, psychotic or whatever to justify potentially hurting their feelings by not wanting to continue a friendship, but I assure you, it's unnecessary. You don't have to be a heartless bitch in declining her offers, but you also don't have to assume any of the rejection you think she might feel. As I see it, here are your options -- conveniently listed in order of balls, from Wuss to Ass-kicker: 1) Keep hanging out and say nothing but gossip about this psycho in your life. 2) Answer IMs, email, phone, etc but always make excuses as to why you can't hang out. 3) Block her from IM, stop returning emails and/or phone calls. 4) Be honest with her.
A. April:As the sage and wise Snoop Dog says, "..when the bitch cop an attitude - drop it like it's hot!". Why would you want to risk getting your tires slashed or your doggies boiled in a hot bath?? Just so you don't come across as rude? She crossed that line long ago when she blew your head off for some minute offense. Cut your losses with this one. As for the future, maybe an application form with a clear note at the top "Psychos need not apply".
Q. A friend recently suggested that I read an article that suggested happiness is something we each 'decide' to accept, regardless of the situation (i.e. job, marriage, etc.), rather than make a change in an effort to create your own happiness. Some of the author's suggestions equated to the following: If you work at Petsmart, be the best damn cashier you can be. Just know that you're putting a smile on many dogs' faces should be enough for you to value your job. Or if you're stuck working in a cubicle doing work you can't stand, why not 'pimp your cube' and make it the hottest cube in the building?
I personally found these suggestions somewhat ridiculous. Yes, we all have the option of choosing whether our glass is half full or half empty. Does that mean that we should stay in a situation regardless of what it may be (job, marriage, etc.) because if we 'just allow ourselves to think about it in the right way', then we'll always be growing and creating our own happiness. At what point should we consider change? If unhappiness isn't the trigger, what would be?
A. April: Honestly, this is a bad questions to ask this Dear Brutal advice-giver as I find myself in search of a little bit of work happiness. So far what I've learned is that even if I try really, really hard to come to work with a great attitude, within five minutes this place sucks me dry and makes me want to weep. Does this mean maybe it's time for me to create happiness elsewhere? Maybe. What would probably be more helpful is if I took some time to really figure out what my definition of happiness is. If you're miserable at work, is it really the job, or do you just suck with your bad attitude? Before hoppin on the next train to be a short-order cook at McDonald's, make sure you've given some thought to what exactly it is you're looking for. Maybe you just need a hobby or a man to make working at the carwarsh 8 hours a day more bearable!
A. Vanessa: Dude pimpin' out your cube WILL NOT bring you happiness. Pimpin' out your ride, your house, getting a boyfriend/girlfriend/new outfit?? Now those'll make you swoon.
IMHO, I think the author got it *half* right: we do create our own consciousness. Is this glass half-full really is your choice. And this is where it could get confusing b/c glass half full is none of the following: 1. Suffering 2. Bailing when things get sticky 3. Faking happy.
There is another way -- and it's not always the easiest road but it does lead to creating your own bliss, independent of the job, the boy/girl, the city you live in, the possessions. It's called knowing what you want and then doing exactly that. Often times we get really caught up in reasons why we can't do what we want (read: what makes us happy) -- I don't have the money/I'm married/I'm single/x wouldn't approve/I'll be lonely/I don't like chicken, etc. -- instead of simply doing what it is that would. The more you practice following your desires, the more you create flow in your life, and the more the glass becomes half full without you having to pretend you see more water than you really do. P.S. I think the glass thing is played out.
So, should you stay in that PetSmart job even though you hate it or stay in the boring relationship when you could totally hook up with the hot guy at work? Not so fast... see doing what makes you happy is not carte blanche for ditching the boring/bland/usual. When you leave a situation that sucks, you want to make sure you're not the part of the equation doing the sucking, else you'll keep finding yourself in the same situation again and again, with different employers, friends, and partners.
Doing what makes you happy may seem hard if you don't even know what you want, but as you practice listening to the small voice inside you (intuition), it gets easier and easier until the big decisions come along and the choice that will make you happy is unmistakable.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Ummm hello?
Dear Readers:
We KNOW you have problems. And no, we're not mind-readers; though we do have x-ray vision. (Change your underwear for godsakes.) So it's high-time you email us, okay? We've been resorting to our day jobs for the last month, and it's not pretty.
Kindly,
Dear Brutal Truth
We KNOW you have problems. And no, we're not mind-readers; though we do have x-ray vision. (Change your underwear for godsakes.) So it's high-time you email us, okay? We've been resorting to our day jobs for the last month, and it's not pretty.
Kindly,
Dear Brutal Truth
Thursday, May 11, 2006
May 11, 2006: Q&A
Oh boy, do we have a treat for you! This week marks the introduction of a Guest Columnist into our humble mix. He comes to us with an advanced degree in Psychology from Harvard, decades of coaching inner-city youth, and the international talk circuit where he has counseled hordes of CEOs towards personal and professional growth. Actually, he's done none of those things. He does bake some great bread, though. Welcome, Terry! Sucker...
Q. This is heavy, but when someone you know very well (an older sibling) and love very much is going through a time of total chaos in her life, what is the best way to respond and also keep your own sanity? I’ve tried lots of things, but because we live across the country from each other, most of our interaction is by phone, and those conversations are becoming more hysterical each time we talk. I can’t go into all her issues, but she’s very unhappy with her life, has 2 small children, and feels constantly victimized by everything from her childhood to her marriage. The issues are serious; our entire extended family is worried about her and her children’s health. No matter what we do, she just wants to lash out at us. I feel guilty because, though my life is not without problems, I am in a good place in my life, though I am careful to never compete with her in any way. I can’t help but feel part of her anger has to do with a sibling rivalry i.e. “our parents love you more”, “you’ve got it so easy in life”, etc. Can you tell me how to show her love and support but not get completely stressed out by her animosity towards me and the rest of my family? I understand you’re not providing clinical help for her issues, but I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to deal with the situation.
A. Terry: Dear “Little Sis,” I think the best way to show your sibling love and support, is to stay the course, showing her love and support. You have got to counteract her overall craziness with a more objective approach, listening to her rants does not mean internalizing and owning them. They are her issues, not yours, or her kid’s, or her husband’s (bless his heart). The minute you [and your family] try to take on her problems in order to “solve” them, you’re doomed. And this guilt thing, please lord, stop with the guilt. What is it that you have done? ‘Guilt’ is synonymous with everything ‘family’ these days…..everyone feels guilty about everything and everyone. If you are guilty of something, I urge you to go down to the local authorities and turn yourself in at once. Seriously though, beating yourself up by thinking that you are doing an inadequate job of supporting your sister when you live across the country is a recipe for disaster. You might as well try to make chocolate chip cookies and only buy ingredients for meatloaf and see how well you succeed. Without knowing the full extent of her issues, and assuming that she has not tried the good, old fashioned, as-American-as-apple-pie route of clinical psychology with an daily anti-depressant chaser, it is quite hard to determine how big sis’ will find closure here. For you though, my advice is to be in charge of your own emotions and stop owning your sister’s. Let’s step back for a brief moment and take a look at things as they really are. You and your sister may have had a sibling rivalry, your parents may have treated you more favorably and you just may have had the good fortune to have had a smoother path through life, but none of that is your fault nor is it something you need to feel bad about every time you speak to your sister! As painful as it may be to see someone you love go through hardships in their own life, in the end, that is what it is, their own life. Her problem may or may not work itself out, but don’t get dragged down with it or you’ll be no use to her when she comes to understand how supportive you’ve been and reaches out to you.
A. Vanessa: The thing about family, is that often our b.s. threshold is whack. We take on things from our siblings, parents, second cousins, etc. that we would never assume if not for birth relations. And in this case, it's your tolerance for your sister's drama. You're not doing her any favors by a) feeling guilty and b) accepting it. In fact, both are enabling. If you really want to help her, you'll do so by reinforcing the fact that in her life, those things which she has had control over (e.g. kids, geography, marriage, etc.) she has had control over. It's incredibly empowering to realize that we are not victims, and our lot is largely the sum of our choices and our own perception. (It seems you've already recognized this.) As my favorite yoga teacher says -- "the difference between a flower and a weed is judgment". I haven't confirmed the genetic veracity of this -- and if you're a botanist and know differently keep it to yourself, thank you, because the point I'm making (and yes, I'm getting there slowly) is this: the belief we hold about our own experiences is a matter of opinion.
You don't need to preach -- your actions and being clear about this in your own life will set the example. With your sister, be an active listener, and be empathetic, but avoid "helping" in any way other than that. She has to learn that she's very capable of changing her life. "Saving" her (even if this is just by commiserating)is reinforcing her own misguided belief that she is not truly capable.
Q. This is heavy, but when someone you know very well (an older sibling) and love very much is going through a time of total chaos in her life, what is the best way to respond and also keep your own sanity? I’ve tried lots of things, but because we live across the country from each other, most of our interaction is by phone, and those conversations are becoming more hysterical each time we talk. I can’t go into all her issues, but she’s very unhappy with her life, has 2 small children, and feels constantly victimized by everything from her childhood to her marriage. The issues are serious; our entire extended family is worried about her and her children’s health. No matter what we do, she just wants to lash out at us. I feel guilty because, though my life is not without problems, I am in a good place in my life, though I am careful to never compete with her in any way. I can’t help but feel part of her anger has to do with a sibling rivalry i.e. “our parents love you more”, “you’ve got it so easy in life”, etc. Can you tell me how to show her love and support but not get completely stressed out by her animosity towards me and the rest of my family? I understand you’re not providing clinical help for her issues, but I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to deal with the situation.
A. Terry: Dear “Little Sis,” I think the best way to show your sibling love and support, is to stay the course, showing her love and support. You have got to counteract her overall craziness with a more objective approach, listening to her rants does not mean internalizing and owning them. They are her issues, not yours, or her kid’s, or her husband’s (bless his heart). The minute you [and your family] try to take on her problems in order to “solve” them, you’re doomed. And this guilt thing, please lord, stop with the guilt. What is it that you have done? ‘Guilt’ is synonymous with everything ‘family’ these days…..everyone feels guilty about everything and everyone. If you are guilty of something, I urge you to go down to the local authorities and turn yourself in at once. Seriously though, beating yourself up by thinking that you are doing an inadequate job of supporting your sister when you live across the country is a recipe for disaster. You might as well try to make chocolate chip cookies and only buy ingredients for meatloaf and see how well you succeed. Without knowing the full extent of her issues, and assuming that she has not tried the good, old fashioned, as-American-as-apple-pie route of clinical psychology with an daily anti-depressant chaser, it is quite hard to determine how big sis’ will find closure here. For you though, my advice is to be in charge of your own emotions and stop owning your sister’s. Let’s step back for a brief moment and take a look at things as they really are. You and your sister may have had a sibling rivalry, your parents may have treated you more favorably and you just may have had the good fortune to have had a smoother path through life, but none of that is your fault nor is it something you need to feel bad about every time you speak to your sister! As painful as it may be to see someone you love go through hardships in their own life, in the end, that is what it is, their own life. Her problem may or may not work itself out, but don’t get dragged down with it or you’ll be no use to her when she comes to understand how supportive you’ve been and reaches out to you.
A. Vanessa: The thing about family, is that often our b.s. threshold is whack. We take on things from our siblings, parents, second cousins, etc. that we would never assume if not for birth relations. And in this case, it's your tolerance for your sister's drama. You're not doing her any favors by a) feeling guilty and b) accepting it. In fact, both are enabling. If you really want to help her, you'll do so by reinforcing the fact that in her life, those things which she has had control over (e.g. kids, geography, marriage, etc.) she has had control over. It's incredibly empowering to realize that we are not victims, and our lot is largely the sum of our choices and our own perception. (It seems you've already recognized this.) As my favorite yoga teacher says -- "the difference between a flower and a weed is judgment". I haven't confirmed the genetic veracity of this -- and if you're a botanist and know differently keep it to yourself, thank you, because the point I'm making (and yes, I'm getting there slowly) is this: the belief we hold about our own experiences is a matter of opinion.
You don't need to preach -- your actions and being clear about this in your own life will set the example. With your sister, be an active listener, and be empathetic, but avoid "helping" in any way other than that. She has to learn that she's very capable of changing her life. "Saving" her (even if this is just by commiserating)is reinforcing her own misguided belief that she is not truly capable.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
April 25, 2006: Q & A
Q: My across the street neighbors have a daughter who is approximately three, and whose grandmother enjoys taking on walking adventures into my yard. (grandma = an active 50-ish woman) My schedule has recently become more flexible--and with the luxury of new, daytime hours spent (working) at home, I've "discovered" these walking trips. My first week at home, I asked the woman why she was in my yard (although it faces the front of my house, due to its odd orientation, its actually a very large backyard). I am a renter, not an owner, but it was weird. She explained that her granddaughter liked to wander over (across a street, oddly enough)((would you let a toddler cross any street on her own?)), and she bassically trailed behind, acting as lifegaurd and damage prevention. I thought it was a one time occassion.
Both of our homes are about two blocks from a large, safe, kid-friendly city park, and judging by the number of vehicles parked in front of their home, grandma drives to visit her granddaughter, and is probably capable of driving her granddaughter two blocks to the park, if the two blocks is too far for her just-learning-to-walk-legs to travel at this point.
My house is oriented in a manner that enables me to dance around naked in the middle of the day, sunshine streaming in, without streetside witnesses. I think that this is what irks me about the family outings in my yard. I feel restrained in my daytime home environment, worried that they make take an outing into my yard when I'm in the middle of dancing about to Metric. Or who knows. Am I the neighborhood witch for asking the fam to take their nature outings in their own yard, or to the park, even if I may not be home, utilizing my yard all of the time? The girl is adorable and the grandma is nice, but it makes me uncomfortable to have strangers in my yard. Is this too selfish?
A. Vanessa: Ahem, I don't suppose you've seen the underground must-read, Handguide for Remote Work? The first chapter is titled Don't Blow our Cover, B!tch: Upholding the Appearance of Work. Do all of us remote workers a favor and read it, *please*. You'll learn helpful hints like "NEVER admit to dancing around naked when you're on the clock" (Tip #75) and "Mute porn during conference calls" (Tip #143). Note: To my co-workers/boss who might be reading this -- I am always at my desk, fully clothed, all day long. I swear. Mostly.
So, your question -- it sounds really like you want a way to ask your neighbors to stay out of your yard without hurting their feelings. It's impossible to know what will or won't hurt someone's feelings, which is why your obligation is only to be polite and kind. Let Grandma know what it is that you want -- perhaps something along the lines of: I would prefer it if you didn't play in my yard when I'm inside/at home/always/fill-in-the-blank? Afterwards continue to be friendly and a good neighbor not because you're apologetic, but because you're truly friendly and a good neighbor.
April: So this loooong story is all to request permission to dance around your house naked? Let me ask you this - if you were dancing in your living room naked and someone on the street saw you, would you ask that they not walk down your street? The short answer to your question about being the neighborhood witch is yes, you are. You're that person who takes the water hose to the kids riding their bike on your driveway. I suggest you close your blinds when you want to dance around like a free spirit in your birthday suit……..don't damage the poor child's (or grandma's) retinas by shaking your bare bum in front of open windows! Trust me, they don't want to see it.
Both of our homes are about two blocks from a large, safe, kid-friendly city park, and judging by the number of vehicles parked in front of their home, grandma drives to visit her granddaughter, and is probably capable of driving her granddaughter two blocks to the park, if the two blocks is too far for her just-learning-to-walk-legs to travel at this point.
My house is oriented in a manner that enables me to dance around naked in the middle of the day, sunshine streaming in, without streetside witnesses. I think that this is what irks me about the family outings in my yard. I feel restrained in my daytime home environment, worried that they make take an outing into my yard when I'm in the middle of dancing about to Metric. Or who knows. Am I the neighborhood witch for asking the fam to take their nature outings in their own yard, or to the park, even if I may not be home, utilizing my yard all of the time? The girl is adorable and the grandma is nice, but it makes me uncomfortable to have strangers in my yard. Is this too selfish?
A. Vanessa: Ahem, I don't suppose you've seen the underground must-read, Handguide for Remote Work? The first chapter is titled Don't Blow our Cover, B!tch: Upholding the Appearance of Work. Do all of us remote workers a favor and read it, *please*. You'll learn helpful hints like "NEVER admit to dancing around naked when you're on the clock" (Tip #75) and "Mute porn during conference calls" (Tip #143). Note: To my co-workers/boss who might be reading this -- I am always at my desk, fully clothed, all day long. I swear. Mostly.
So, your question -- it sounds really like you want a way to ask your neighbors to stay out of your yard without hurting their feelings. It's impossible to know what will or won't hurt someone's feelings, which is why your obligation is only to be polite and kind. Let Grandma know what it is that you want -- perhaps something along the lines of: I would prefer it if you didn't play in my yard when I'm inside/at home/always/fill-in-the-blank? Afterwards continue to be friendly and a good neighbor not because you're apologetic, but because you're truly friendly and a good neighbor.
April: So this loooong story is all to request permission to dance around your house naked? Let me ask you this - if you were dancing in your living room naked and someone on the street saw you, would you ask that they not walk down your street? The short answer to your question about being the neighborhood witch is yes, you are. You're that person who takes the water hose to the kids riding their bike on your driveway. I suggest you close your blinds when you want to dance around like a free spirit in your birthday suit……..don't damage the poor child's (or grandma's) retinas by shaking your bare bum in front of open windows! Trust me, they don't want to see it.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
April 19, 2006: Q & A
Q. There is a person that knows she has an advanced yoga practice and continues to take classes where the majority is beginners. She sits front row and there appears to be lots of ego in her postures. I know there is no perfect posture, but it is driving me crazy. This is another reason I do not like the mirrors. I sometimes make the class face the back wall. I am not sure how to speak to this. I always speak to the majority of the class. It's almost as if she is showing off to the beginners and it is very intimidating To them. Just not sure how to approach this person, as far as feedback is concerned. This is a person who I am not sure will ever drop competition and ego-driven success.
A. Vanessa: Sure I could give you advice on how to needle the know-it-all in class (teach breath, long holds, slowing it way-the-f-down) but that might seem like I'm putting the onus on her. And I'm not. It's not about the experience the beginners are having either. (Fortunately, the most important thing you have to worry about with beginners is that they're in healthy poses.) So what's this really about? Drum roll... you. First, trust me, you do NOT want to be caught up in the hell that is creating the perfect environment. People-pleasing is always a losing proposition. Not only is it impossible to please everyone, but people's needs change and are subject to their own lives that you are probably not aware of when they walk into your class. It's exhausting and *will* wear you out. More importantly, it's inauthentic. You're trying to be, or in this case, create, what you think people need instead of simply teaching. Taking care of your own needs is more meaningful and will have a much greater impact. Second, it's likely that Ms.Pain-in-the-Asana isn't hearing you and this has nothing to do with pitch, volume, etc. I believe that you're speaking to her from the same place she's attacking herself from -- judgment. Does she need more? I doubt it. My guess is that you can't judge her any harsher than she already judges herself. You really want her to hear you? Speak to her with compassion; a compassion that isn't even communicated with words.
April: Here's my brutal truth for this one. Is this person paying for the class? If yes - I suggest you leave her be. If this makes others in the class uncomfortable, I hate to say it, but they need to get over it. As my dear 'ol Dad used to say when I'd get whiny about what my brother and sister were (or were not) doing, "you need to worry about yourself insted of everyone else around you." Harsh, but true advice.
A. Vanessa: Sure I could give you advice on how to needle the know-it-all in class (teach breath, long holds, slowing it way-the-f-down) but that might seem like I'm putting the onus on her. And I'm not. It's not about the experience the beginners are having either. (Fortunately, the most important thing you have to worry about with beginners is that they're in healthy poses.) So what's this really about? Drum roll... you. First, trust me, you do NOT want to be caught up in the hell that is creating the perfect environment. People-pleasing is always a losing proposition. Not only is it impossible to please everyone, but people's needs change and are subject to their own lives that you are probably not aware of when they walk into your class. It's exhausting and *will* wear you out. More importantly, it's inauthentic. You're trying to be, or in this case, create, what you think people need instead of simply teaching. Taking care of your own needs is more meaningful and will have a much greater impact. Second, it's likely that Ms.Pain-in-the-Asana isn't hearing you and this has nothing to do with pitch, volume, etc. I believe that you're speaking to her from the same place she's attacking herself from -- judgment. Does she need more? I doubt it. My guess is that you can't judge her any harsher than she already judges herself. You really want her to hear you? Speak to her with compassion; a compassion that isn't even communicated with words.
April: Here's my brutal truth for this one. Is this person paying for the class? If yes - I suggest you leave her be. If this makes others in the class uncomfortable, I hate to say it, but they need to get over it. As my dear 'ol Dad used to say when I'd get whiny about what my brother and sister were (or were not) doing, "you need to worry about yourself insted of everyone else around you." Harsh, but true advice.
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