August 7, 2006: Q&A

Q. In a world where finding 'new' friends of the same gender can sometimes be a bit tricky, I recently befriended a woman from an old job. Having spent only two evenings hanging out, drinking and talking, she extended an offer to me for a weekend vacation at S. Padre Island. I was excited b/c it seemed like we had a ton in common and I figured, what could possibly go wrong during a relaxing weekend at the beach???

Well, it suddenly became very clear that she might have a few screws loose. We had a few 'minor' disagreements...but no big deal, right? I figured we were just learning how the other operates and how to communicate. Well, she was obviously VERY upset b/c I 'took charge' of a situation at the hostess stand and made a decision regarding where we should sit without consulting her first. She spoke to me in a very demeaning way and I wasn't quite sure what to do. In an effort to diffuse the situation, I took full responsibility and said, 'I'm sorry...I didn't realize I was taking charge or that by doing so would hurt your feelings". When she replied back, "I don't have any FEELINGS, you do want you want and I'll just follow", I was completely in shock. No one has every spoken to me in a similar tone and I don't believe I would ever do the same to someone else. Needless to say, I slept with one eye open and my purse under the covers. We managed to make it through the weekend without any stab wounds and I was grateful to head home. She's since emailed me, but I'm not sure if this would be a friendship worth pursuing. I feel like she's likely to snap any second? Your thoughts?

Regards,
Not short enough on friends to put up with that S#!T.

A. Vanessa: My thoughts about what? Should you hang out w/ the kook again? That would make you as crazy as her. If what you're really asking is, is it okay to ignore someone who's reaching out to me even though I'd rather drive chopsticks through my eyes than spend another manic weekend w/ her? The answer is simply, yes. We don't have to always click w/ people. Sometimes it's just not a match and that's that. It can be tempting to make the other person wrong, crazy, psychotic or whatever to justify potentially hurting their feelings by not wanting to continue a friendship, but I assure you, it's unnecessary. You don't have to be a heartless bitch in declining her offers, but you also don't have to assume any of the rejection you think she might feel. As I see it, here are your options -- conveniently listed in order of balls, from Wuss to Ass-kicker: 1) Keep hanging out and say nothing but gossip about this psycho in your life. 2) Answer IMs, email, phone, etc but always make excuses as to why you can't hang out. 3) Block her from IM, stop returning emails and/or phone calls. 4) Be honest with her.

A. April:As the sage and wise Snoop Dog says, "..when the bitch cop an attitude - drop it like it's hot!". Why would you want to risk getting your tires slashed or your doggies boiled in a hot bath?? Just so you don't come across as rude? She crossed that line long ago when she blew your head off for some minute offense. Cut your losses with this one. As for the future, maybe an application form with a clear note at the top "Psychos need not apply".

Q. A friend recently suggested that I read an article that suggested happiness is something we each 'decide' to accept, regardless of the situation (i.e. job, marriage, etc.), rather than make a change in an effort to create your own happiness. Some of the author's suggestions equated to the following: If you work at Petsmart, be the best damn cashier you can be. Just know that you're putting a smile on many dogs' faces should be enough for you to value your job. Or if you're stuck working in a cubicle doing work you can't stand, why not 'pimp your cube' and make it the hottest cube in the building?

I personally found these suggestions somewhat ridiculous. Yes, we all have the option of choosing whether our glass is half full or half empty. Does that mean that we should stay in a situation regardless of what it may be (job, marriage, etc.) because if we 'just allow ourselves to think about it in the right way', then we'll always be growing and creating our own happiness. At what point should we consider change? If unhappiness isn't the trigger, what would be?

A. April: Honestly, this is a bad questions to ask this Dear Brutal advice-giver as I find myself in search of a little bit of work happiness. So far what I've learned is that even if I try really, really hard to come to work with a great attitude, within five minutes this place sucks me dry and makes me want to weep. Does this mean maybe it's time for me to create happiness elsewhere? Maybe. What would probably be more helpful is if I took some time to really figure out what my definition of happiness is. If you're miserable at work, is it really the job, or do you just suck with your bad attitude? Before hoppin on the next train to be a short-order cook at McDonald's, make sure you've given some thought to what exactly it is you're looking for. Maybe you just need a hobby or a man to make working at the carwarsh 8 hours a day more bearable!

A. Vanessa: Dude pimpin' out your cube WILL NOT bring you happiness. Pimpin' out your ride, your house, getting a boyfriend/girlfriend/new outfit?? Now those'll make you swoon.
IMHO, I think the author got it *half* right: we do create our own consciousness. Is this glass half-full really is your choice. And this is where it could get confusing b/c glass half full is none of the following: 1. Suffering 2. Bailing when things get sticky 3. Faking happy.
There is another way -- and it's not always the easiest road but it does lead to creating your own bliss, independent of the job, the boy/girl, the city you live in, the possessions. It's called knowing what you want and then doing exactly that. Often times we get really caught up in reasons why we can't do what we want (read: what makes us happy) -- I don't have the money/I'm married/I'm single/x wouldn't approve/I'll be lonely/I don't like chicken, etc. -- instead of simply doing what it is that would. The more you practice following your desires, the more you create flow in your life, and the more the glass becomes half full without you having to pretend you see more water than you really do. P.S. I think the glass thing is played out.
So, should you stay in that PetSmart job even though you hate it or stay in the boring relationship when you could totally hook up with the hot guy at work? Not so fast... see doing what makes you happy is not carte blanche for ditching the boring/bland/usual. When you leave a situation that sucks, you want to make sure you're not the part of the equation doing the sucking, else you'll keep finding yourself in the same situation again and again, with different employers, friends, and partners.
Doing what makes you happy may seem hard if you don't even know what you want, but as you practice listening to the small voice inside you (intuition), it gets easier and easier until the big decisions come along and the choice that will make you happy is unmistakable.