Q & A: October 23, 2007

Q. I married a man with two boys from a previous marriage. My mother told me to think seriously, but the boys were little and cute. How much trouble could they be?Truly, they are no trouble and are very smart. However, they have expensive higher education "ambitions". I quote ambitions because I wonder if they will ever graduate and pursue said lofty ambitions.One boy is in his fifth year of undergraduate college and has attended expensive abroad trips and summer school for the past four years AND HAS NEVER HAD A JOB!!!The other kid is at a fancy east coast school that is sucking nearly $50,000 a year. Early on, the husband and I talked about allocating $300,000 for the boys college costs. With projected costs, we are over budget by $17,000, not counting books and travel. AND, the husband has told them that he will pay for them to get Ph.D.'s if they want.I see no end to this luxury schooling and since neither child has ever had a job, my conclusion is that they are going to stay in school until the cows come home!We have two small children and are saving for their education. Sorta. They both have Texas Tomorrow Funds paid for. No Ivy League for them unless they earn it. Hook 'em Horns!It's not that I want my(our) children to have an expensive educations - I want them to work, apprentice, earn, appreciate. I've worked since I was 14 and know how rewarding it is to earn something.Anyway, it sickens me to spend this money, but I also feel like that because my husband makes most of the money that I don't have a right to complain. Clearly, the husband feels guilt about his divorce and cowers to confrontation. Like last week when one of the kids called to say they had been picked (yea) to go on a study trip to HAWAII,he said great. Cha-ching. That's $6,000 and it's not even a summer program. It's "fall break". Then, there is Spring Break, Summer Break (France already in the works.)Having never been to Hawaii myself, I am a little resentful. Honestly, we have a good marriage and usually talk it out, but the boys have always been a sticky situation.What to do?

A. April: Dear Reader: Sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious come to jesus meeting, and soon. While your husband may think he’s doing his sons a favor by continuing to fund their education and spring break trips (Hawaii?? wtf?!?), he’s quite blatantly showing favoritism and cheating his other children from a potential similar experience. I’m not even talking an ivy league education, but if I’m correct, the Texas Tomorrow Fund doesn’t allow for an out-of-state education (of course, as a Texas Alum, is there really any need?? ;-) ).

You absolutely have a right to voice your concern. A marriage, after all, is about partnership and sharing. Just because your husband makes most of the money doesn’t mean he gets to solely decide what to do with it. My recommendation is to discuss this with as little emotional attachment as possible. After all, this isn’t about the kids. It’s about your husbands inability to say no. Discuss the simple numbers around this (i.e. 17,000 over budget!) and try to work together to find some sort of compromise (sure son, you can get your PhD, but you’ll need to find alternate funding like oh say…one of the many grants that are out there!?).

Good luck – maybe after your heart-to-heart you can start saving for your own trip to Hawaii.

A. Vanessa: Hey there. Sorry - I woulda answered this question back in September when you posted it, but I just finished reading it. Anyway, here are the real problems, in order of magnitude (and trust me, the price of the education is just a convenient red herring): 1. Communication, you to husband. 2. Communication, husband to children.

So, talk to your husband. You too are "cower[ing] to confrontation" when you avoid discussions because you don't earn as much money. Think about that -- you don't feel like you're worthy BECAUSE OF MONEY. That's just retarded. The boys are only a "sticky" situation because you feel in a lower negotiating position than your husband. YOU know your husband isn't doing his kids any favors but until you decide to speak up, you're just as culpable. Every single time you hear that little voice in your head telling you that you don't have a right to talk about how you feel, know that it's bullshit. Quit worrying about right and wrong, and just start speaking up. While you're at it, start questioning where else in your life you let shame hold you back.

Q&A; May 25, 2007

Q. so i've been seeing this guy for about a month and am realizing that everything is really casual for him still, where i am becoming emotionally involved and increasingly more agitated as i see that he feels no sort of committment to call or write to me on any sort of regular or consistent basis. i take total responsibility for going into this without actually asking for the things i want and deserve, like respect, support and appreciation, and now i see that I'm getting exactly what i expected out of him, which is very little. i figure i'll get up the courage in the next day or two to call him and tell him that i'm not happy, that i don't feel respected, and that i need him to be more involved and interested or we need to just be friends and i need to move on. but beyond that, i guess my question, though, is where do i go from here? i see now very clearly from being involved with this person that i approach him the same way i've approached every relationship with every man in my life: with an attitude of, "you aren't possibly going to love me anyway, so i'll just force myself to be contented with whatever scraps of attention you throw my way." i want to say i won't do this anymore, but asking for something different, for something like a stable, supportive, loving relationship--something i've never had and i can only imagine exists--feels sort of like i'm asking for a miracle. i feel like i'm in that confused, empty space of having given up a way that's not working, but not having quite found a grasp of what could work better. could you offer any non-sugar-coated insight?




A. April: Ohhhh GIRLFRIEND! I don't even know where to begin with you! Let's start with the "poor-me" attitude you've threaded into your question. What is UP with the drama?? If asking for some respect in this world is like asking for a miracle to you, I think you need a serious (and I do mean SERIOUS) attitude adjustment. If you're looking for some quick fix to your problem, sorry sista, it ain't here. You need to find a way to pull yourself out of your funk and start showing yourself some respect before you can expect to receive it from anyone else (include a man!). While you're at it, empower yourself to make the changes and adjustments in your life so you exude confidence and self-worth. I'd put the guys on the backburner for now – sounds like you need to spend some quality "me" time working out some issues. I firmly believe that one needs to find happiness within. Without this, you'll constantly be looking for someone else to fill that void…and that just isn't going to happen. Good luck girl!



A. Vanessa: Okay, sweets... here I go... First, 'emotionally involved' implies that you are opening your heart, which you aren't, if your emotions are dependent on his responsiveness (or lack of). Second, "I deserve more/better" is really another way of saying "why am I not enough for him?" This isn't a question of being enough. It's just not a match. If it were, you wouldn't be racking your brain to figure it out or making him wrong.


Now, on to the big stuff. The reason this keeps happening is because you're looking for respect from the outside in, and well, it just doesn't work like that. Stable, loving relationships don't just happen to us, we cultivate them. And, if you think you can cultivate it w/ someone you're not a match w/ just because you'd rather not be alone, well, it doesn't work like that either.

Know that there's absolutely nothing to do and for godsakes quit blaming yourself. Just because you and some guy didn't work out doesn't mean there is something wrong w/ you (though, to be fair, there could be). Anyway, go in to the empty space - and instead of trying fix your way out of it, stay there, where it's uncomfortable. When you're tempted to repeat your old sob story again, go back to that uncomfortability again and again. This habit of blaming yourself is just avoidance wrapped in a nice and pretty package with the label Introspection slapped on it. You are NOT looking in. You know how you tell? Looking In doesn't have a story attached to it. Looking In is simply awareness without any labels of good, bad, right, wrong. So, sit w/ it. Eventually someone will come along and you won't have to worry that you'll mess that one up too.

Where do you go from here? Go ahead, make the call. Break up. But please, before you do, drop the drama. Seriously, it's way hotter to be like "hey this just isn't working for me" than to be all righteous and shit. The whole "I deserve more" line is so 1977 anyway. (And no, that doesn't make it retro-cool.)

Q & A: March 29, 2007

Q. I have a good friend who has recently given up alcohol, and is attending AA meetings though not disclosing that to many people. She seems to do fine in a bar setting by drinking other things. However, since my social life revolves around drinking I no longer invite her out as I feel bad that this might tempt her in some way or impede on her 12 step process. To complicate matters, since she is newly single another reason I find I don’t ask her along is because of her ridiculous flirting with everyone on the scene. She has to be the center of all male attention and it’s irritating. I love my friend and we have fun together and I often invite her to do things that are non-alcohol related (i.e. museums etc.) but I want her to feel included and spend more time with her but I can’t seem to get past these two issues. Any recommendations?
Thanks!

A. Vanessa: Any recommendations? Yes. Change your undies regularly. Seriously. What if you got in an accident w/ nappy drawers on? That'd be horrible. But on to your question.

Do you *really* want "her to feel included and spend more time with her?" Honestly?? Because if so, I gotta tell you, you're not exactly convincing. I get that her neediness (e.g. excessive flirting, alchoholism) is a turn-off. The good news is that you can be a better friend to her w/out ever stepping foot in a bar or chillin' at a party. The other news is that you gotta grow some balls. No one wants to be needy. Which is why if you really want to be a friend to her then you'll tell her that her flirting and stuff undermines the progress she's making(i.e. treatment for her drinking). When you do talk to her, and I hope you do, be clear, firm, AND kind. If this approach doesn't appeal to you, I'd suggest dropping out of the friendship until you're ready to be honest with her.

A. April: Dear Anonymous -- So, here’s my take on your “dilemma” -- the real issue appears to be that you find your friend annoying and needy. Is it really about not wanting to invite her out because she may be tempted to drink? Because that’s not something you can control. Your friend needs to know her own limits, and if that means avoiding a bar, then so be it. This really isn’t a complicated issue, and we receive questions like this all the time. “My friend is annoying…my friend is mean…my friend is a downer…” PEOPLE! Why do you stay friends with someone you can’t stand to be around? Listen, you can’t have everything. Either you chose to hang out with her on a limited basis i.e. when there is low opportunity for flirting, like err, at the library?) or you chose to end the friendship. Either way, it’s totally in your hands, so stop complaining and do what you need to do!

Q&A: March 11. 2007

Q: What do you do with a friend that engages in a destructive personality flaw right before your eyes? For example, I have a friend that isincredibly negative, pessimistic and paranoid - to the extent that she assigns the most ridiculous motives to people for the most innocuous behaviors, lashes out at the tiniest of PERCEIVED slights and refuses to accept that there really are nice people in the world.The 'flaw' makes its way around to friend and foe alike. It recently landed on me for the umpteenth time. This time I am very tempted to not overlook it but rather chalk it up to what it really is, a personality trait. It isn't a flaw that surfaces every now and then,it's the norm.I want to stay connected but I can't take the aggressive paranoia anymore? What to do?

Signed,
Exhausted in Austin

A. April: Sounds like there's not much reason to stick around in this friendship. Why waste your time with that much negativity? Unlike a great Hallmark special, I don't think this girl is going to see the light if friends (a.k.a you) ignore the behavior and treat it as acceptable. If you really feel this is a personality trait then girlfriend needs help and you need to walk away. Sound harsh? Maybe...but dang, I know I'd hate to be around that much paranoia and anger. Seems much healthier to let her know you're done and dump the b*tch. :-)

A. Vanessa: Is this one of those trick questions or somethin'? I'm not getting why exactly you want to "stay connected"? A rotting piece of cod sounds more innocuous. Seriously, take a look at that. Now, on to the uhhh... friend. The thing is, you could point out her narcissism, and that'd be the right thing to do, but it's likely she won't take it very well because, well, those pesky narcissists have a knack for turning things sour. Be a friend to her anyway and be honest. Be clear and take responsibility for your part of it (e.g. "Wench, when you make shit up, I feel angry..."). As for timing, I'd wait to speak your truth until you don't expect anything from her. This means that she could respond by ignoring you / hating you / telling everyone how you wounded her (sniffle), and you would still know that you did the right thing. Good luck w/ that.

Q & A: December 26, 2006

Q. Dear Brutal Truth-
My dear, sweet husband is a great guy: caring, supportive, engaged and engaging, etc. He’s also sensitive (in the bad way) and leans toward sketchy self-esteem, especially in the superficial/physical category, i.e., he doubts he’s da bomb, which in my opinion he is. Here’s the situation, in the past week or so during the steamy part of our love life he has developed an excess of saliva, as in, during a kiss there is just too much spit being exchanged. I am SO grossed out and find the quickest way to end such exchange of love. My initial response was to say, “Gee-awd, what is the matter with you? An enormous amount of gooey spit is drooling out of your mouth into mine. Swallow, will you!” Of course, if I were to point out anything that resembled a flaw he would be crushed and it would take hours upon hours for me to reassure him that he is the man of my dreams.This drool is a big ick factor to me, and honestly, if it’s not stopped soon, I know that nine years of consistent and good sex will be down the drain, and once the sex goes, the marriage will follow. For the sake of my four precious children, tell how I can subtly convey that this problem exists and needs to be fixed.
Signed,
In Love with the Kissing (a)Bandit
A. Vanessa: Holy shit. What an excellent question! First things first: if you want a "subtle" answer, go to Miss Manners. Now, on to the umm, juice. I'm sure in our vast readership there may be a physician out there who might attribute the excessive saliva to a medical condition. But, since I'm neither a doctor nor care what the cause is, here's how I'd put it: Dude, what's with the spit? No need to be rude or judgmental, but you do have to put it out there so he's aware. And lastly, because you know I wouldn't let this one slide -- you're not doing him (or for that matter, you) any favors by reassuring him for "hours upon hours." Every time you coddle, you reinforce the behavior. A) You cannot give him his self-esteem and B) It's arrogant to think you can. If you want it to stop you have to let him stay with feeling uncomfortable. Since the only way out is through you may have to sit on your people-pleasing hands as you watch him squirm, but do it anyway, because *that's* love, and the squirming will turn into growth.
P.S. Again, I'm not a doctor, but I seem to remember that excess saliva may be related to liver imbalance so he may want to check with his naturopath / physician for a liver cleanse, or a proper diagnosis. :-)

A. April: Dear Reader….has your husband changed anything in his before-bedtime diet?? I mean, I recall using milk and / or orange juice to thicken up the saliva for a fierce spit battle with my siblings. Maybe he’s doing the same thing? I don’t blame you for being grossed out – I myself gagged in my mouth when reading this question. Intimate matter are always difficult to approach, however, in situations such as this honesty is the best policy. You have no other choice unless you want to fake it for the rest of your life or wind up a divorcee. If your marriage has been strong enough to withstand four kids, surely this one gloppy obstacle can be overcome with a little tact. It may be painful (which, btw, why the low self-esteem? Maybe he should look into that), but those vows “for better or for worse” totally include embarrassing situations such as this. Good luck!

Q & A: November 18, 2006

Q. Dear Brutal Truth -- My children are regular, average, normal kids and I don’t want to put them in the local Juicy Couture, video game promoting public school in my Westlake-ish neighborhood and have them come out looking like Barbie’s who crave Hummer’s. On the contrary, the other choice is Kirby Hall where the little darlings will learn, learn, learn. There are no sports and each kid wears a Land’s End navy and white uniform. The KHS culture is all about super smart kids achieving and being the best brains. Am I pushing my children down the Star Trek path — being married to a Trekkie, I know that there might be a genetic predisposition. Will my children never fit in at a football game? Is that even important? I want my kids to be vibrant, well-rounded and have lots of close friends. Will Kirby Hall demand all their time for academia and turn them into little nerds?

A. Vanessa: Hi. Your choices are not limited to Hummer Barbie or Spock dork. Though I can see how you'd think that -- IF you're totally weighted down in your own life by other people's perceptions. How do kids turn in to vapid fops and social misfits? By not feeling good enough. (You academic sorts out there might think this over-simplified. It's not. Quit hatin'.) The pattern of self-doubt should stop with you so if you want to raise hip kids well, the ball's in your court. I would start by dropping your rigid definitions of what it looks like to be cool. Kids totally pick up society's and their parents' expectations and fears, which means that all those places where you don't feel good enough are wrapped up like a lame Christmas present for your kid to undertake. So, it's not about Westlake or Kirby Hall. They're just symptoms. It's about cultivating a deep-seated confidence. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, sister, so BE the change. P.S. Either way you go, depending on your child's interests, you may need to supplement their school activities. No big deal.

A. April: Which do you see the less of two evils? A hobbit-loving kid with an active imagination, or a self-centered brat who believes the world revolves around designer jeans? You seem to be worried your kids will grow up like your husband…which is kinda rude in and of itself. He’s a dork and you love him anyway…what would be so bad for your kids to be the similar? If your concern is that your kids won’t have the opportunity to play sports at school, here’s an idea – enroll them in a city league or after-school program! The world would be a much better place with some smarties running around…..let them be free to be nerds. By the way, just because they're smart doesn't mean they're weiners.

Get 'em while they're HOTT

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August 23, 2006: Q&A

Q: I have a dilemma that I really should consider fortunate. I have a decent job that pays really well and offers a ton of flexibility. However, I find myself bored to tears with this job, and looking around at the different projects going on don’t really excite me. I’ve been with this company for awhile now, and I really think it’s time for me to move on to a different challenge. The problem is I’ve been offered a large sum of money if I stay for five more months. Is it dumb of me to look for other work before I collect the money? Should I just suck it up and wait it out? Please help – I’d hate to make a really bad decision based on either greed or impulse.

A. Vanessa: Quit already wouldja? First, it sounds like you already know what to do but are ignoring your intuition. The more you ignore it, the quieter it gets. The quieter it gets the closer you get to ending up on Dr. Phil talkin' 'bout those seven babies you had w/ seven different people. Sweet.
Second, you're assuming that life is a zero sum game. It's not. You think that if you walk away from the bonus you're left with nothing. Maybe, but I doubt it. I can't say how you'll be compensated, but I believe that when you take big risks (and no, I don't mean unprotected sex), you're rewarded big.
Lastly, job hunting is rarely a quick turnaround. Gone are the days of looking in the classifieds on a Sunday and starting a week from Monday. The whole interviewing process can take a while (trust me on this -- I just changed jobs) so you may start looking now and find your new start date coinciding w/ your five months pay-off. Cha-ching.

August 7, 2006: Q&A

Q. In a world where finding 'new' friends of the same gender can sometimes be a bit tricky, I recently befriended a woman from an old job. Having spent only two evenings hanging out, drinking and talking, she extended an offer to me for a weekend vacation at S. Padre Island. I was excited b/c it seemed like we had a ton in common and I figured, what could possibly go wrong during a relaxing weekend at the beach???

Well, it suddenly became very clear that she might have a few screws loose. We had a few 'minor' disagreements...but no big deal, right? I figured we were just learning how the other operates and how to communicate. Well, she was obviously VERY upset b/c I 'took charge' of a situation at the hostess stand and made a decision regarding where we should sit without consulting her first. She spoke to me in a very demeaning way and I wasn't quite sure what to do. In an effort to diffuse the situation, I took full responsibility and said, 'I'm sorry...I didn't realize I was taking charge or that by doing so would hurt your feelings". When she replied back, "I don't have any FEELINGS, you do want you want and I'll just follow", I was completely in shock. No one has every spoken to me in a similar tone and I don't believe I would ever do the same to someone else. Needless to say, I slept with one eye open and my purse under the covers. We managed to make it through the weekend without any stab wounds and I was grateful to head home. She's since emailed me, but I'm not sure if this would be a friendship worth pursuing. I feel like she's likely to snap any second? Your thoughts?

Regards,
Not short enough on friends to put up with that S#!T.

A. Vanessa: My thoughts about what? Should you hang out w/ the kook again? That would make you as crazy as her. If what you're really asking is, is it okay to ignore someone who's reaching out to me even though I'd rather drive chopsticks through my eyes than spend another manic weekend w/ her? The answer is simply, yes. We don't have to always click w/ people. Sometimes it's just not a match and that's that. It can be tempting to make the other person wrong, crazy, psychotic or whatever to justify potentially hurting their feelings by not wanting to continue a friendship, but I assure you, it's unnecessary. You don't have to be a heartless bitch in declining her offers, but you also don't have to assume any of the rejection you think she might feel. As I see it, here are your options -- conveniently listed in order of balls, from Wuss to Ass-kicker: 1) Keep hanging out and say nothing but gossip about this psycho in your life. 2) Answer IMs, email, phone, etc but always make excuses as to why you can't hang out. 3) Block her from IM, stop returning emails and/or phone calls. 4) Be honest with her.

A. April:As the sage and wise Snoop Dog says, "..when the bitch cop an attitude - drop it like it's hot!". Why would you want to risk getting your tires slashed or your doggies boiled in a hot bath?? Just so you don't come across as rude? She crossed that line long ago when she blew your head off for some minute offense. Cut your losses with this one. As for the future, maybe an application form with a clear note at the top "Psychos need not apply".

Q. A friend recently suggested that I read an article that suggested happiness is something we each 'decide' to accept, regardless of the situation (i.e. job, marriage, etc.), rather than make a change in an effort to create your own happiness. Some of the author's suggestions equated to the following: If you work at Petsmart, be the best damn cashier you can be. Just know that you're putting a smile on many dogs' faces should be enough for you to value your job. Or if you're stuck working in a cubicle doing work you can't stand, why not 'pimp your cube' and make it the hottest cube in the building?

I personally found these suggestions somewhat ridiculous. Yes, we all have the option of choosing whether our glass is half full or half empty. Does that mean that we should stay in a situation regardless of what it may be (job, marriage, etc.) because if we 'just allow ourselves to think about it in the right way', then we'll always be growing and creating our own happiness. At what point should we consider change? If unhappiness isn't the trigger, what would be?

A. April: Honestly, this is a bad questions to ask this Dear Brutal advice-giver as I find myself in search of a little bit of work happiness. So far what I've learned is that even if I try really, really hard to come to work with a great attitude, within five minutes this place sucks me dry and makes me want to weep. Does this mean maybe it's time for me to create happiness elsewhere? Maybe. What would probably be more helpful is if I took some time to really figure out what my definition of happiness is. If you're miserable at work, is it really the job, or do you just suck with your bad attitude? Before hoppin on the next train to be a short-order cook at McDonald's, make sure you've given some thought to what exactly it is you're looking for. Maybe you just need a hobby or a man to make working at the carwarsh 8 hours a day more bearable!

A. Vanessa: Dude pimpin' out your cube WILL NOT bring you happiness. Pimpin' out your ride, your house, getting a boyfriend/girlfriend/new outfit?? Now those'll make you swoon.
IMHO, I think the author got it *half* right: we do create our own consciousness. Is this glass half-full really is your choice. And this is where it could get confusing b/c glass half full is none of the following: 1. Suffering 2. Bailing when things get sticky 3. Faking happy.
There is another way -- and it's not always the easiest road but it does lead to creating your own bliss, independent of the job, the boy/girl, the city you live in, the possessions. It's called knowing what you want and then doing exactly that. Often times we get really caught up in reasons why we can't do what we want (read: what makes us happy) -- I don't have the money/I'm married/I'm single/x wouldn't approve/I'll be lonely/I don't like chicken, etc. -- instead of simply doing what it is that would. The more you practice following your desires, the more you create flow in your life, and the more the glass becomes half full without you having to pretend you see more water than you really do. P.S. I think the glass thing is played out.
So, should you stay in that PetSmart job even though you hate it or stay in the boring relationship when you could totally hook up with the hot guy at work? Not so fast... see doing what makes you happy is not carte blanche for ditching the boring/bland/usual. When you leave a situation that sucks, you want to make sure you're not the part of the equation doing the sucking, else you'll keep finding yourself in the same situation again and again, with different employers, friends, and partners.
Doing what makes you happy may seem hard if you don't even know what you want, but as you practice listening to the small voice inside you (intuition), it gets easier and easier until the big decisions come along and the choice that will make you happy is unmistakable.