Going Full Tiger

Q: My wife and I were discussing the Tiger Woods situation and she asks, "Would you ever have two mistresses?"  Assuming the conversation was in jest, and thus getting over the doubt my wife could have been pointing out in my loyalty to her, I entertained the thought and realized that if you are going to cross the line from 1 to 2, you might as well go "Full Tiger" (I want to be credited with coining that) and put up 12 +.  When I replied accordingly, the response was, "You couldn't pull 12!"  Okay, so now my wife has first questioned my loyalty, but then has gone right out and implied that if I were to stray, that I could only pull some toothless (hey now!), matted haired, homeless chick, and at that, only one of them…if I had pocket lined with sandwiches!

As a man, my competitive nature is drawn out and my ego is at stake, but this appears to be a no-win situation for me. 

•  If I do nothing, all the girls I have consulted have told me, "That's because you are a nice guy."  Thank you ladies, but that doesn't help put The Duke back on the horse.  No man really wants to be that.  We want to be the guy who appears in movies with the "scumbag music" in the background.  A little edgy, perhaps dangerous, and could certainly go Full Tiger is he decided to.  This approach, while commendable, does nothing to repair the damage to my ego that has been brought by questioning my ability to pull.
• If I prove it to her, go Full Tiger, and provide a list, video tapes, and various bottles of half used lotions, she will no doubt divorce me.

So my question is how do I repair my ego and keep my marriage intact?

A: VF - This is sorta a cop out, but I really liked the brevity of this so I'm going to quote my friend Josh here, when I told him of your dilemma: "Go home and f*ck your woman hard." I wouldn't have worded it *exactly* like that, but Josh captured my sentiments succinctly (albeit crassly). See, sometimes the ladies like to know their men could get some but choose otherwise. And that's entirely possible to communicate by just your way of being -- without being a dick or compromising your marital vows. So, be confident with her in like, every aspect of your lives. She'll get it.

A: ACL - Um, you need to lighten up. Do you get this angst-ridden about ALL hypothetical conversations? You posted this question quite some time ago, so I hope you're not divorced yet or anything. But, my advice to you would be to stop being a whiny-bitch, get over your ego, and live happily ever after. Incidentally, if my husband told me he could get 12+ bitches, I'd laugh at  him too. I mean, he probably could, but I know he wouldn't. And even if he did, they'd probably be fat or something. Either way, it's a dumb conversation and only the super immature would be offended by the response.

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Stuck in the middle

Q.  My best friend has some pretty serious issues with her marriage. Because I spend a lot of time with her and her husband (and their super cute children), I occasionally get put in the middle.

I have an example, but it’s kind of convoluted. Last week, I helped my friend out with babysitting while her husband was out of town. In return, I borrowed the car for a week. It seemed like a pretty fair trade to me.

Here’s where it gets hairy though: my friend and her husband are in the middle of a major squabble now because she doesn’t think he is grateful enough for how hard she has to work when he’s out of town. So in their weekly therapy session, she brought me up as an example and accused her husband of being uncool to me and never thanking me for helping them. She went even further and told him that my feelings were hurt and that I was upset.

Next, I got a text message from him apologizing for being an a-hole.

I don’t want to stab my best friend in the back, but I don’t like being dragged into their marital problems, didn’t think he was being an asshole (maybe to her, but not to me) and don’t even want the apology. Do I accept the apology and thank him? Do I tell him that he doesn’t need to apologize to me? Or do I get really brave and ask her not to bring me into the mix?

A. ACL:  Wow, sounds like your friend is using you to express her anger to her
husband. (Did I just go deep or what!?) I’m sure their therapist
figured that one out though. Don’t you just hate when friends (or
family members) put you in the middle of their issues? Can you say
AWKWARD??? Kinda like when you're in a room of friends and someone
farts, but nobody says they notice the fart (when they obviously do)
and eventually one of your friends says “ok, who farted?” and then
everyone stares back at that friend blankly. Um, or has that just
happened to me? Ooh, but let’s get back to your question. I think
you’ve got the answer already figured out here. In my little ‘ol
opinion you should tell the husband that he doesn’t need to apologize
and get ballsy and tell your friend not to drag you into their marital
problems.

A. VF:  It's weird they're in therapy -- they seem so functional.

Anyway, you don't owe your lady friend anything, much less a lie.   As for her husband, well, tell him the truth and if your friend has to deal with the clean up from that, that'll probably teach her not to speak for other people.    Stab, stab, stabby.

change of heart?

Glad to see you bitches back with the best medicine of all: honesty.  Ok, I've practically only been with women who have loved me more than I love them my entire life.  I've never been dumped...yet.  Generally, by the time I remotely pursue a woman, her interest is obvious, and it's usually just a matter of dotting the i's.  I've heard a bunch of stuff about what this may reveal about my psyche, and there may be some truth to it, such as that I'm insecure, afraid of love/commitment, yada, yada.  My question is the following however.  All my friends say that I need to be kicked to the side of the curb for once, yet they tell me how shitty that feels and seem to avoid it like the plague themselves.  Pretty much, everyone claims it feels better to love another more, but their actions don't seem to jibe.  So, is it really true?  Should I bother to change?

VF: Oh man.  Rejection sucks.  (As you probably know since you've skillfully managed to avoid it for all of your adult life.)  It's hard to endorse getting dumped because well, it blows.  So, rather than counseling you towards something I can't sell, instead, I'll give you this little metaphoric gem to think about. 

Have you ever gone gambling at an Indian reservation?  (Do they call them Native American reservations now?  Whatever.)  They have all the standard options -- blackjack, craps, poker, rigged slot machines, free well drinks, gambling addicts...  There's nothing wrong with a casino on a reservation.  You sure can have yourself a great time.  But put a little more effort into it and you get  Vegas.  Yep - same standard fare, same chain smokers, but oh, there's so much more!  Bright lights, waterfalls, contortionists, overrated bars, bigger pools, mafia... it just doesn't compare.  If you only go for chicks you're sure are into you, chances are those girls are like second rate casinos -- fine, sure, but why go for fine when you could be ballin'?  Then again, you could also lose all your money and wind up washing dishes in kitchen at Tao.  Loser. 

In the end, if you decide to go for the girls who really make you nervous, you'll have no guarantee of success.  It's risky business, this putting-yourself-out-there-stuff.  But if you don't?  Well, you're guaranteed to just kinda living this mediocre relationship bullshit.   Want more of that?

ACL: Seek out therapy. IMMEDIATELY.

El Questiono.

Q.  Dear DBT, I am sometimes shocked at myself when I am looking at an attractive woman and then I notice that a not-so-hot girl catches me looking and I then feel kinda silly about it. My question is - how much must it SUCK to be unattractive and NEVER have anyone look at you lustfully but have to see it all around you as you are irrelevant and ghostlike in a sea of attractive people.


  Hmm?  Hmm? 

A:  ACL:  Probably sucks as bad as reazling you're not as hilarious as you thought you were.
A.  VF:  I don't know.  Why don't you ask your mom?

Give it to me straight, with a tequila chaser

Look who's back on the scene. Oh Brutal Truth, how I've missed you and your badass ways. Ummm...speaking of badass, I need some advice.
Like everyone from soccer moms and stalkers to tweens and twinks, I have been sucked into Facebook. I update my status, talk smack to my friends and post unflattering pictures of frienemies. The problem is Facebook has been nothing but trouble for me. Specifically, I recently posted pictures of a party that I attended. This produced a number of hilarious comments from the other attendees. Everything seemed great until I got a nastigram from my brother. He was pissed that he was not invited to said party and felt "hurt" to learn about it via FB. He was also angry that a lot of the attendees, including the hosts, were his FB friends. His suggested solution is that I tell him about all of the parties going forward so he can make sure to come.
I feel awkward about this whole thing. I mean: can guests invite guests?
 

ACL:  No! Guests cannot invite guests! I think I see now why your bro wasn’t on the list originally. Ok, that’s harsh….but basically your hands were tied with this one. If it was your party and you didn’t invite him, that woud be one thing (I mean, that’s just rude). But in this case, you didn’t control the guest list, nor should you have invited other guests UNLESS the invite
specifically said “feel free to bring your freeloading friends or relatives”. I can see how your brother would feel hurt, but in this case, his anger is misdirected.  Tell him to take it up with the party-thrower and to leave you out of it. 

VF:  Uhhhh, well, is this really an etiquette question?  I mean, Miss Manners and her Victorian shag gots that turf covered.  Here's the thing -- unless your brother is 7, it's bullshit that he thinks it's your responsibility to invite him everywhere.  But then again, you said "his solution," which implies some sort of conversation went down between the two of you that might've gone something like this:

Him:  My feelings are hurt.

You:   [placating]  Well, I'm sorry -- what can I do about it?

Him:  You could invite me to the parties you go to.

You:  [wince]

If that's the case then what I really have to say is -- quit enabling.  It's not your responsibility to fix your brother's issues, nor can you.  I'd probably just leave him hanging next time he complains... you know, let him try that lovely bit of awkward on for size.  Eventually he'll get it.   (But it takes a really, really long time.  I hope you're patient.)

Sloppy Seconds

Dear Brutal Truth,

I'm recently single and I've noticed a trend in my ex moving in on my friends.  Now these aren't mutual friends, but "my" friends whom she met through me and wouldn't have met otherwise.  I've moved on, but live in a small community where people love to gossip, especially when it involves my ex hitting on "my" friends. My question is this, Should I be bummed on my friends if they end up fucking my ex?  I'd never date one of my friends ex's, nor would I fuck one of them.  I just feel that there are plenty other options out there and I'd rather avoid awkwardness.  Now maybe that's just me.  I don't give a shit what other people do, I have my own morals and don't judge others....well, I guess we all judge, but I don't really care what my ex does.  Okay, blah blah....now my question:

Would a friend be disrespectful to me if he fucked my ex?  Should I give two shits?  Why or why not??

Thanks!  

ACL: Oh c’mon now dude – if you didn’t give a shit about what other people do, would you really be posting a question asking if you should give two shits?? Let me break it down: you live in a small town where options are apparently limited. Your ex is just exercising her right to date – in your pool of friends. You gotta admit, this is definitely easier than meeting strangers online or through the swingers ads in the local paper, no?  In my personal opinion, it’s kinda gross to reheat a friends leftovers (I mean, they’re never quite as good as they were fresh are they??), and I’d be more than annoyed if a friend did this to me. So, if you decide to give two shits about this, then you should be ready to say something (at least in a passive-aggressive way) to your friends. Else, suck it up and be  secretly bitter behind their backs. The silver lining here is that sounds like it’s a good thing you dumped this chick – she’s a whore.

VF:  A) You've managed to spend the f*ck quota all in one question.  Nicely done.   B) I have no problem judging - that's why I'm here.  C) If your friends hook up with your skanky ex, they're d-bags.  (And now you know what I think of your ex.)

It sounds like she's trying - subconscious or otherwise - to prove something to you, to herself, to whomever, which is why she's dipping in the community pool.   Consider yourself lucky she's gone.  Oh, and your friends owe you more than your ex does.  I might understand if we're talking soulmate shit here, but we're not.  It's sex.  And if they're so desperate for it, there's lots of other perfectly acceptable options ... say, paying for it or hitting up a sorority. 

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Miss Us Much?

What do Britney Spears, carbohydrates, and Dear Brutal Truth have in common? Comebacks, baby, comebacks. After a two year hiatus and desperate pleas (thanks, Mom!) -- we're taking your questions again. Guaranteed to be honest. Can't say it'll sweeten your coffee.

Q & A: Special Double Edition! And, the last one!

Well, faithful readers, it's time. Like skinny jeans, Frankenberry, and my roommate being out of town, all good things must come to an end. Dear Brutal Truth is no different. I'd like to think that it's because you -- our millions of readers (give or take 999,990) -- are ready to strike out on your own, take the training wheels off, leave the nest, stand on your own two feet, as it were. Remember this: If you catch yourself thinking "how do I *insert stressful confrontation* without being mean?" then you already know our answer. Vaya con Dios.

Q. What up Brutal Truf? Long time reader first time poster. How are you ladies doing? I am doing ok, I just made this bomb ass sandwich with cheese and turkey and well that’s about it, but I got one problem…I no longer have the desire to scarf down on this turkalicious delight. I’ve got a co-worker that sits directly to my left who thinks its fine to snort her snot all day long. This is some serious snorting too, not just a quiet sniffle! This girl is cranking some surrrious decibels from her nasal cavity. Its disgusting and to knock it up a notch she has decided to discard of all this snot she snorts by spitting it into a Styrofoam cup! WTF MATE??? How can I stop this madness without being rude? I’ve already confronted her in the past but the madness still continues! I’ve come up with one idea which is to record her snorting and then play it back to her. Maybe if she hears for herself that will stop her??? That’s about all I have at this point, You got any suggestions???

A. April: Hi Reader, There is nothing worse than making a bomb sandwich and having your dining experience totally ruined by a disgusting co-worker. Honestly, I think the time for being polite is long gone. After all, we’re talking about a girl who spits snot into a cup. Dis-gus-ting. My first thought is to take that cup, pour it on her seat while she’s away from her desk, grab a camera and wait for her to return. If you do take this route, be sure to wear gloves (for obvious reasons). I like your approach about the tape recorder….and since it’s taken so long for DBT to respond, maybe you’ve taken this approach. If so, please send us the wav file – we’d love to post it. Ok, in all seriousness, it may be time for you to take this to HR. This is not only an annoyance, but a health risk. If employees aren’t allowed to have space heaters because they are a fire risk, I’m thinking they shouldn’t be allowed to have snot on their desk either. Simple hygiene. OR, you could just start making your own snorting noises and battle it out that way. Good luck mate – let us know how that turns out.

A. Vanessa: Gross. And I'm not one to fight loogies with loogies but jesus, man, your options may be limited. This reminds me of the time at work I returned from lunch to find an anonymous you-talk-too-loud note left on my chair. I was pissed and of course I had my own list of grievances for my cubeland mates, but in my case at least, the note worked. Since you've already talked to her directly to no avail I recommend you escalate your tactics. Your own suggestion of recording her is a good approach, as is talking to HR, your manager, etc. and letting them know it's affecting your concentration at work. Whatever -- I think the key here is persistence.

Q. So I have this dear friend - love her to death - but lately she has been really self-absorbed. You know, I this, I that, I blah, blah, blah.Honestly, having a conversation with her is impossible because she doesn't even let me speak. What is your advise on bringing this to her attention?
Thanks for your advice in advance.

A. Vanessa: How about this? Next time you see her, let her start talking and then casually get up, and place a tree stump in your chair. (This will take a bit of planning.) See if she notices.

Or, another approach, and one that doesn't involve a chainsaw, is to take her out to lunch (if distance is an issue, then a phone call will do) and say to her: "Dude, I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise lately."

You see, the language that you use will be secondary to your intention behind the words. In fact, you can subsitute my eloquence for something that is more, I don't know, articulate? and it will matter little. What's important is this: you should wait to say your peace until you're doing it for you. Tell her only when you can say it because you're speaking your truth and not because you need or expect a change in behavior from her. When you're in that space, when it's about how you feel and not you wanting her to be any way other than the way she is right now, the words will be easy.

Don't get me wrong - she sounds like she's being annoying as hell. In fact I probably would've tried the passive-agressive-yet-surprisingly-effective-eye-rolls approach. But since you have no control over how others act, your only choice is to go inside first.

A. April: Out of all the questions we’ve received on DBT (and by that I mean thousands upon thousands minus a thousand or two) this is by far the most common question we receive. Got a friend, love her to death, but she (or he) sucks bad. Hmm, I see the dilemma. As I see it (and that is why you wrote in), you’ve only got one option here – suck it up and listen to your friend that you love so dearly. This is what being a friend is about. Being there through all those feel-good moments as well as being there when your friends are down, or in this case, self-absorbed and annoying. Hopefully this phase passes soon (I mean, has she always been self-absorbed?? And if so, why you friends with someone like that?). In the meantime, you could always cut back on your time spent together (in the way of screening calls like the plague). I know, avoidance is the easy way out, but it will save you from being rude and potentially damaging a friendship you appear to enjoy.